The Bayside Ballast

Busy Little Spring Bees!

2011-04-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

I know, it has been quite some time since I last posted notes from the counseling office, and things have certainly been busy around here! Don't forget to check out our Edline page or the Community of Concern page as well!

Things we have been up to around Bayside since mid-February:

I attended and presented at the National Peer Program Professionals Annual Conference hosted by the Jennifer Claire Moore Foundation. I will additionally be working on helping some middle schools across the state on how to start a Girls Wellness Club using Peer Counselors!
We all enjoyed a safe and much needed Mardi Gras break.
The Peer Counselors hosted two amazing assemblies, one for the middle school feature the gorgeous, courageous, and intelligent Jessica Brookshire from the K.A.R.M.A. Foundation to explore how bullying can have long lasting affects on targets. The other was an all morning long assembly for the upper school presented by Andy Citrin and the Safety Foundation featuring a interactive, entertaining and informative abridged version at Alive @25!
I additionally attempted to help middle school teachers and counselors understand middle school "aliens" (tweens) at the Alabama Association of Independent Schools Annual Conference while also bringing home some great tools to deal with bullying and some great excitement about using iPads in the classroom.
The Jennifer Claire Moore Foundation honored the Peer Counseling program with a grant from the upcoming school year, and we cannot thank them enough for all their support! I hope you will all mark your calendars for their rodeo on August 4th, 5th, and 6th in Foley!!!!
We also enjoyed a fabulous prom, amazing spring break and are gearing up for what is sure to be an amazing Bay Affair. Put on your dancing shoes and get ready to rock the house!

And a great little tidbit from CommonSense Media about books (you remember those, the things with pages you physically turn?) that teach empathy here!

Character Counts: How to talk to kids about violence

2011-02-16T05:37:00.000-08:00

Violence is everywhere, from the news to video games to the playground. So how are teachers and parents supposed to talk to kids about it? Stephanie McKinney, Josephson Institute Curriculum Writer, shares an interesting article in this month's Character Counts newsletter:

How to talk to kids about violence
Posted on February 9, 2011
By Stephanie McKinney
JI Curriculum Writer

With the recent shooting in Arizona, unfolding chaos in Egypt, and other violent events all over the news, many of us find ourselves having to talk to our children about these issues. Ideally, we’d like to shield younger children from exposure to violence in the news, but that doesn’t always work. So what’s a parent or teacher to do?

There is no “one size fits all” answer here. Factors to consider include the age of the child, what he or she has already been exposed to, and what his or her concerns are. Be careful not to give children more information than they can process. Children may not comprehend the entirety of the event, and providing additional information may actually increase the anxiety.

Some kids will come out and ask questions, and adults should answer them as honestly as is appropriate given their age. Be sure to affirm the fact that violent events are rare and not likely to happen in their world. For example, if children ask about the shooting in Arizona, a good place to begin is by finding out what they know. Ask, “What have you heard?” or “What are your friends saying about it?”

These kinds of questions allow you to listen to children, gauge their concerns, and learn how they perceive events. This can also be a good starting place for children who are reluctant to ask questions or talk about their fears, or if you are not sure what information is circulating among their peers.

When a child looks at you to explain the unexplainable, like why the shooter in Arizona made the choices he did, your answer should make it clear this was a very unusual event, a very bad choice, and that the shooter is in jail and cannot hurt anyone else.

It’s also important to ask follow-up questions to make sure you’ve addressed the child’s concerns. Since children see the world very differently, make sure your reply was helpful. If the child is particularly upset by an event, waiting a few days and asking if he or she is still thinking about it can also help you assess how he or she is processing the information.

Sharing is Caring

2011-02-14T07:35:00.001-08:00

Great piece from Psychology Today, now how are you going to start the conversation?

Published on Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

What’s sleep got to do with it?

By Elana Premack Sandler, L.C.S.W., M.P.H.

Created Feb 9 2011 - 6:30am

I'm always looking for ways for people to think differently about suicide prevention. Researchers in Idaho and Michigan may have come up with something good.

Studying teens, researchers found that sleep problems were associated with suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts. At first read, I thought that what had been reinforced was a link between depression, which is also associated with sleep problems in teens, and suicide. But, these researchers screened for depression.

So, they've given people who work with teens a whole new way to help them. Particularly for medical professionals, who are in a position to ask teens questions about their health in general, asking about sleep is easy.

"It's easier to broach the topic of sleep with patients, since it's easier to talk about a physical problem," said Idaho State University researcher Maria Wong in a Reuters article.

It's also makes what could be a difficult conversation for a teen a bit more comfortable.

"It's easier for them to answer questions like, 'Did you sleep well last night?' and get into why they are not sleeping well and how they are feeling lately," Wong said.

What I like about focusing on sleep, rather than immediately asking about suicide, is that sleep is important to overall health. Poor sleep isn't just linked to suicide risk - it's also linked to other problems. So talking with teens about sleep and working on improving sleep in adolescence has benefits that will continue to pay off over time.

That isn't to say that it's a substitute for talking about suicide, just that it may be a starting point for talking about emotional health. Are there other ways to start this conversation?

When Talking Isn't Enough: Cyberbullying

2011-01-18T10:22:00.000-08:00

Parents usually want what is best for their children and often times, this involves some great talks that can bond parents and children. But sometimes, you want to be able to do more than talk. The Huffington Post has a great article on how parents can help their children take back their power against Cyberbullies.

There are also two great websites for Teens and tweens that can help then draw their digital line and help them separate digital use from abuse:

That's Not Cool

A Thin Line

And regardless of whether you watch his show or agree with his methods, Dr. Phil has some great cyberbullying information as well as a helpful pledge.

New Year's Resolutions...

2011-01-07T10:18:00.001-08:00

We all make them, and most of us break them. But in trying to help today's very connected modern family in coping with this wired world, CommonSense Media has some great parent advice I think you should all check out:

Resolutions for an Online Family

Also, be watching this spot for information on an event from Bayside's Community of Concern and some exciting upcoming events!

Interesting Article from Medscape

2010-12-13T07:24:00.001-08:00

From Medscape Pediatrics

Cyberbullies and Cybervictims -- What's the Clinician's Role?

An Expert Interview With Gwenn Schurgin O'Keeffe, MD

Medscape: Dr. O'Keeffe, could you define cyberbullying?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Cyberbullying is bullying with the use of technology -- any type of technology: Facebook, cell phones, email, anything digital or electronic where the message has a harassing or hurtful element to it. Just to be clear, with bullying there has to be pure intent to cause negative consequences for the other person. It's not an accidental comment that happened to hurt somebody's feelings.

Medscape: Would cyberbullying also have to be public?

Dr. O'Keeffe: No, not necessarily. Just like schoolyard bullies don't need an audience to cause harm to their victims, cyberbullies don't need an audience to wreak havoc on theirs. In both situations, the bully is going to try to humiliate and cause harm to the victim, but not necessarily with the intent of that message going viral.

Medscape: Are there any profiles or risk factors for cybervictims that would differentiate them from the traditional schoolyard victims?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Interestingly, we're still sort of sorting that out: what makes a cyberbully and a cybervictim. What's different from the schoolyard victim? It's not as straight forward as we would think. Typically, cybervictims tend to feel more vulnerable once they've been cyberbullied compared with kids who have been bullied without technology. This may be due to their inability to see and often know the bully or to know how many people have read about the incident or if it will occur again. Bullying online seems to create much more anxiety than in a schoolyard setting, which feels much more contained and controlled. We do know that girls tend to be cyberbullied more than boys are, and cybervictims tend to be heavy online users. However, there's no profile where you can definitely say, "You're going to be cyberbullied more than somebody else."

Medscape: I would think that girls who are bullies are more apt to be online bullies than physical bullies. Are there more female than male cyberbullies?

Dr. O'Keeffe: We think there's a slight gender difference in the typical cyberbully, but there are some conflicting data on that. If you try to draw a typical profile of the cyberbully, they tend to be heavy online users. Many are girls -- think of the movie Mean Girls. They seem to have aggressive personalities, they want to create attention, and maybe they have trouble making friends. As with typical schoolyard bullying, cyberbullies have often been bullied themselves, and many seem to have some trouble with delinquency and have had poor parenting. However, we're also dealing with young and developing people who are learning powerful technology and trying to communicate through it. There's a fine line between poor communication and harassment, so we may be seeing a reflection of our kids and teens stepping into digital mine fields at times and not knowing how to get out of them.

Medscape: So you think some people who are considered to be cyberbullies would be surprised by this accusation.

Dr. O'Keeffe: I do think that part of the problem is that we don't teach our kids how to use technology correctly. We have to teach them to be good digital citizens, just like we teach them how to drive a car safely, or walk across the street, or cook. We don't take such care with their lives online, and digital accidents are happening and increasing. We need to teach them digital social etiquette just as we have with other forms of communication. In a way, this mean behavior is understandable because they don't know how to use the technology. Although it doesn't excuse the behavior, looking retrospectively, we can see how it may have occurred. They are kids, and they are just doing what they know how to do. Most don't understand the rules of behavior or how to communicate to begin with. Also, they're all emotion at times. You add anonymity, and it makes sense that they're going to shoot from the hip. If adults are having trouble with this stuff, certainly teens and younger kids will too.[1]

Medscape: How does cyberbullying compare to schoolyard bullying in terms of its psychological impact?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Studies have shown that cyberbullying has a much more profound impact than traditional schoolyard bullying.[2] In the schoolyard, kids feel pretty self-contained. They know who their bully is, and they know if they tell an adult or a teacher, it can get handled. The bully is put in his place. The victim feels safe; he or she feels empowered. The event can really end very quickly. With cyberbullying, often you don't even know who the bully is. If you're lucky, there's a name attached to the message. However, very often the message comes in anonymously, and the child feels very anxious. They wonder, "Has the message gone out to the whole world. Am I going to be stalked and harassed by this person for a long time?" This can really go on [for a long time] and have a very profound impact on the life of the child and on their self-esteem. They can become depressed, and we know kids can get suicidal.

Medscape: Are there any types of specific tips for recognizing children who might be cybervictims?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Parents need to have a high index of suspicion that their child may be suffering from cyberbullying, for example, if they observe that their child is anxious, or depressed, or losing sleep. In addition, the child is probably communicating through his or her device in a way that was different from before. For example, the child might suddenly avoid the technology, not want to text, leave the cell phone at home, or suddenly not check his or her Facebook profile. Or, conversely, such children may check their email or profiles more often and get upset or act strangely after using it.

Studies currently report that cyberbullying occurs in a third of kids who use technology. Of those kids, most do not report the incident to even a trusted adult. Parry Aftab, a highly regarded internet safety attorney who has surveyed young people across the country, found that they report cyberbullying only 5% of the time.[3]

Knowing we're in the dark most of the time, parents then need to have a very high index of suspicion that something is going on with their kids. And, if young people come to their parents and say, "I think I have a problem," they are not making it up; it's very hard for teenagers to confess to parents and adults about what is going on in their lives. So, take them seriously. Clinicians and parents have to make great efforts to empower children and get them to communicate with us about their digital lives.

Medscape: At least with online technology, there's a record.

Dr. O'Keeffe: Exactly. So second, parents should print the record and start a paper trail. See if they can put a name to it. They should read the message and make sure their child is not in any danger. If the message is threatening, they need to go to the police right away. If it isn't, they still need to sort it out and ask themselves, "Do I need to go to the school? Or is this something we can handle as a family?" Whether it is or isn't threatening, parents need to figure out if their child is okay or if they need medical or mental healthcare. If there are issues, such as headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, or other signs that trigger suspicion of bullying, then parents need to involve the pediatrician.

If the child seems fine, parents may just be able to sit down and come up with a plan at home. For example, they might just need to block the message. If it came in through the cell phone, they can work with their phone carrier, or if it came through email, with their email carrier. If came in through social media, that person can be blocked. Sometimes that's all anyone needs to do to protect their child from that bully.

If it's a perpetrator the child knows personally, then the next question is, "Will this become an offline problem, and am I going to need to help my child further?" This is a more complicated problem, and parents need to talk to school administrators about that.

Medscape: What role would clinicians play in these scenarios?

Dr. O'Keeffe: It is very much a clinician's job to help a family negotiate this situation because often parents just don't know what to do. So, if the pediatrician or primary care clinician gets the call, "My child's been cyberbullied, what next?" they should bring the family in and work with them on assessing the situation. What is going on with the child or teenager? Does the child have any medical or psychiatric issues that need to be addressed? Is the child safe? On that first day, everyone may be feeling shell-shocked, but don't forget that the other shoe is going to drop because usually the cyberbullying continues. Furthermore, like the parent, the clinician needs to understand that kids who report cyberbullying aren't making it up. Many pediatricians don't recognize that these are health issues because the child is thinking, "I may have just opened up Pandora's box, and the whole school's going to know." So, at that moment the child may seem calm, but the clinician needs to put a plan in place and tell the child, "Okay, if you start to feel anxious, if you start to get stomach aches, if you start to get headaches, if you start to have trouble sleeping, if your grades go down -- if any of these things start happening, you call me and we will address them." The pediatrician or primary care clinician can keep tabs on anxiety and sleep and depression and be the conduit to a mental health provider.

Medscape: What if a parent came to you as a pediatrician and said, "My child is a cyberbully. What can I do to change his or her behavior?"

Dr. O'Keeffe: When a child is a cyberbully, first and foremost it boils down to a communication issue. It usually involves issues of self-esteem and fitting in socially, and they often have trouble in school. [Once caught] they will be ostracized by the families of the victims and watched like a hawk by the school administrators, who worry that this child will cyberbully again because this behavior typically has been going on a long time. These cyberbullies are going to face a very tough time fitting back into society and school in a way where they can be comfortable. I think the first thing to do is to bring the child into the office and talk about what's been going on. "Why do you think you do this?" Help the child own the issue. It's rare that a family will acknowledge that their child is a bully or a cyberbully, but if they do, that's the first step toward healing. I would get the family into counseling and help the child learn to accept what's happening, learn better ways to communicate, and address any issues at school. Probably this child has been bullied himself or herself. If a pediatrician or other clinician is aware of what's happening in a child's social circle, their academic life, their degree of self-esteem, then the clinician can intervene early and help a family regroup. Unfortunately, nowadays, office visits are so short that pediatricians don't really have the time to focus on all of those areas.

Medscape: In relating to people in the cyberworld, one issue is the physical and temporal dissociation, so that one doesn't experience one's effect on another person. There's also the speed at which one can deliver a message, which makes it easier to behave impulsively. Do you have any specific advice on how to avoid or reduce these effects?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Yes, in my book Cyber Safe I use the mnemonic RITE, which helps young people learn to post appropriately.

Read any message that you write before you post it.
Imagine if you were receiving that message whether it would be hurtful in any way.
Think about whether it needs to be sent now or if it can wait.
E is enter. You only want to hit "Enter" and send that message when you are sure that that message is the right one to send at the right time.

This mnemonic helps teach families and children to avoid becoming a cyberbully or cybervictim. Usually most messages can wait before you send them, even if it is 5 or 10 minutes. Once written, the writer, whether young or old, should read it again and make sure it needs to be sent. If the writer isn't sure, they should have an adult or friend read it and help assess whether it is written just out of anger or not.

Sometimes it is [cathartic to express feelings] in writing, and the writer can use the message therapeutically and then erase it. Young people don't understand this, but we can mentor them and say, "You know what? It was great that you wrote that. Do you feel better now?" And, with luck, the child will respond, "Okay." Then you can just [advise] them to delete it and move on. We need to teach kids to really take the time to do that.

Clinicians who see children are in a wonderful position to help because our young patients are actually using their cell phones and texting in our offices, so we can actually throw these pearls out to them while we're doing our physical exam. It doesn't have to be part of a specific consultation on cyberbullying.

Medscape: It's very easy to be hurtful in email because there's no vocal tone that might soften certain language. What about young people who hurt each other unintentionally?

Dr. O'Keeffe: There is a type of cyberbullying called inadvertent cyberbullying, in which you don't mean to hurt someone but you do it nonetheless. You send the message accidentally, but it still goes out and is still harassing because the sender wasn't careful to send it appropriately.

Medscape: What are the cell phone issues that parents need to be aware of that can help ward off cyberbullying?

Dr. O'Keeffe: I think parents don't realize that cell phones tend to be the conduit for behavior because they're the grab-and-go devices. You can also use them not only for texting but to access social networking sites. Parents may not understand the shorthand behind texting and how kids can quickly shoot from the hip that they're angry or upset.

Medscape: Are there other cyber abuses beyond bullying that parents need to know about?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Yes, there are all sorts of cousins to cyberbullying, including cyberstalking, cyberharassment, and just plain old cyber-meanness. The point is that even if you don't know how to label it, if a child gets concerning digital communication from somebody and it bothers them enough that their behavior is changing, then the parent needs to do something.

Medscape: Could you talk a bit about sexting?

Dr. O'Keeffe: Sexting is one of our next biggest issues. It's usually the transmission of digital images via technology and cell phones. Even worse than cyberbullying, sexting always has legal ramifications. If young people who do it get caught, they are thrust into the legal system. Depending on their state's laws, they can even be tried and labeled as sex predators. So it's very, very important that everyone is educated about this problem. Even though it's beyond the scope of what we're talking about today, pediatricians are in a very unique position to remind families that if you're going to get cell phones for your kids, it does come with a responsibility. So, when you talk to young people about the proper use of the features of the cell phones, that includes the camera, the Internet, and any other feature that allows the dissemination of a message, photo, or video.

Medscape: Is there anything that pediatricians or family physicians can do in general to deal with cyberbullying and cybersecurity?

Dr. O'Keeffe: It's not the clinician's job to necessarily get involved with the schools and law enforcement, but it is their job to support the family and help the family recognize that they're available for medical consultation and support, including assistance in finding proper psychiatric and behavioral healthcare. Likely the most beneficial role, though, is in education. Pediatricians and family physicians could post information in their office, such as "Here's how you can help your kids learn about proper use of cell phones," or "Here's how you can help kids ward off digital issues." This is a simple way of getting information out without taking away time from your office.

Many physicians these days send out digital or printed newsletters, for example as reminders or information for annual flu shots. They could also include cyberbullying prevention information, such as cell phone safety tips.

I realize clinicians are busy, but they don't necessarily need to be the educator on this issue. They can help families find key resources, which might include my book and Website Cybersafe or other useful Websites (see Resources, below).

Medscape: How would you summarize the physician and parental roles?

Dr. O'Keeffe: This is happening to average kids because of social issues and their inability to always know the proper uses of technology due to their evolving development. I'm advocating that parents learn the technology and teach their kids how to use it smartly as they do many other safety areas in their kids' lives, such as cooking in the kitchen and driving a car. If clinicians can encourage parents to do that during routine visits, I think parents will feel more empowered that they can parent their kids in the digital arena, and more kids will have the skills to avoid digital mishaps that lead to cyberbullying and sexting.

Also, most clinicians today are trying to catch up on all of these issues, and if they're not, they should be. The more pediatricians and family physicians become savvy with the technology, the more parents will feel comfortable turning to them. It's sort of a, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I believe parents are going to be calling their physicians more on these issues, so the professionals are going to have to catch up. It's all going to happen at the same time, so my best advice for pediatricians and family physicians is: don't wait until you start getting the deluge of calls from parents on these issues. Don't wait for the crisis. Learn about it now.

Summary Points

Cyberbullying is bullying with the use of technology, and there has to be pure intent to cause negative consequences for the other person.
Cybervictims may tend to be more vulnerable once they've been victimized online compared with in the schoolyard. In fact, studies have shown that cyberbullying has a much more profound impact than traditional schoolyard bullying.
Cyberbullying behavior often occurs because young people are often emotional and don't understand the rules of behavior or how to communicate to begin with. In addition, anonymity and the ease at being able to send a message increases the risk for this behavior.
Parents need to have a high index of suspicion if they observe physical and behavioral changes related to changes in their child's communication through their devices.
Parents and clinicians should take seriously any concern expressed by their child about cyberbullying.
Parents should print out all records of cyberbullying behavior and assess for degree of harm, including those that might require legal steps.
Simple steps to stop cyberbullying include blocking the bully on social media and working with email and phone carriers to block messages from the bully.
Use the mnemonic RITE, which helps young people learn to post appropriately.

Read any message that you write before you post it.
Imagine if you were receiving that message whether it would be hurtful in anyway.
Think about whether it needs to be sent now or if it can wait.
E is enter. You only want to hit "Enter" and send that message when you are sure that that message is the right one to send at the right time.

Sexting is particularly dangerous behavior because it has legal ramifications. If young people do it and get caught, they can be tried and labeled as sex predators.

O'Keeffe GS. Cybersafe: Protecting and Empowering Digital Kids in the World of Texting, Gaming and Social Media . Elk Grove Village, Ill: American Academy of Pediatrics; 2010.

Stop Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying Research Center

National Crime Prevention Council

References

Varjas K, Talley J, Meyers J, Parris L, Cutts H. High school students' perceptions of motivations for cyberbullying: an exploratory study. West J Emerg Med. 2010;11:269-73. Available at:http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2941365/?tool=pubmed Accessed October 16, 2010.

Hinduja S, Patchin JW. Bullying, cyberbullying, and suicide. Arch Suicide Res. 2010;14:206-221. Abstract

Statistics and a Snapshot of Cyberbullying Trends. Aftab.com. Available at: http://aftab.com/index.php?page=cyberbullying-statistics Assessed October 16, 2010.

You say good-bye and I say hello...

2010-08-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

To all Bayside graduates heading off into the wild blue yonder, I wish you the best of luck and send you off with a fantastic article from Psychology Today that has some real life tips for you: 50 Tips for College Students

For those of you returning to BA or perhaps joining us for the first time, I offer a warm welcome! This school year has gotten off to a great but busy start! I invite you to call or email me with any questions, concerns or suggestions you have for the counseling office.

Our Peer Counselors have begun meeting with their "littles" and if you think your student could benefit from the mentoring of a carefully trained 12th grader, please let me know so we can discuss a match-up.

I am leaving you with a few links to help you start off this school year fabulously:

How to help your teen make it through a year with a teacher they don't like

Cyber-Bulling Defenses

Helping Distracted Students Get Back to School and Succeed

Also, be sure to check out the brand new School Counseling page on EdLine!

Welcome Back,

Amanda

Another Happy Ending

2010-05-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

As the sun set on the bay last night, we said farewell and sent our best wishes to the Class of 2010. I have no doubt this amazing, diverse, well-rounded, (and according to our valedictorian) wolf-pack will go far! While I am amazed I did not turn into a soggy, crying mess saying good-bye to my Peer Counselors (the first group I have seen all the way through the program), I did use up most of my remaining school year energies on keeping up a strong front. The rest I used trying to herd these 65 children to give back their graduation robes before they went off into the wild blue yonder!

So as the rest of the students rush around worrying about finishing up their last projects, are cramming for exams (hopefully they will remember these tips), and so on, I felt I should leave the parents with a few things to remember over summer break. These tips are brought to you courtesy of the American School Counselor Association:

Positive Parenting Tips For Summer
For 180 days a year, school counselors work with students on how to express their feelings in appropriate ways, how to deal with their anger and how to cope with stressful situations. But what happens when school is not in session, especially during the extended summer break? As a parent, you are the most influential person in your children’s lives, and how you work through family issues can have a positive influence on behavior throughout the family as well as the school. Following are some parenting tips to work on throughout the summer months.

Sibling conflicts: Stay on the sidelines of sibling arguments (unless there is bloodshed) and help your children learn to appropriately express their negative feelings. At my school, students learn to use the “magic sentence.” The sentence includes phrases such as “I feel … because,” “I want you to…” and “I am willing to…” Example: “I feel angry because you called me a name and I want you to stop. I am willing to stop calling you names.”

Using the magic sentence requires practice and parental guidance. It may feel contrived at first, but if your children and you get into the habit of thinking and stating your feelings rather than acting out, you’ll find it opens up the lines of communication and decreases outbursts.

Encourage your children to listen to other people’s magic sentences and then repeat back to them what they understand they heard. If they think they heard, “You said you don’t want me calling you a frog face – even though you really are one. And you want me to stop, but I won't until you do,” then they may have to listen (or repeat it again) until they get it right.

Discipline: Children develop security, increased self-esteem and have fewer behavioral problems when in an environment that provides consistency, rules, consequences, praise and positive acclamations. Consistency means your behavior as a parent is absolutely predictable; this is key. To a child this means, “Every time I throw a fit in the store, Mom or Dad will leave the store” If you give in once, it’s like a slot machine that pays off. Winning once is addicting. If the slot never paid, no one would ever put money in.

Having rules in print is important. When the child breaks a rule, the parent can point to a printed sheet and ask, “What is the rule?” This takes the heat off the parent as the bad guy and places it on the “rule.” Rules must be clearly stated and reasonable for the child’s age, developmental level and emotional stability. In some situations, the rules can be created with the child, which creates buy-in. For example: The rule might read: “Marie’s bed time is 8 p.m.” When Marie tries to negotiate for a later time, the parent asks the child, “What is the rule?” and the answer is clear.

Also choose consequences that fit when rules are broken. Coming home late from a friend’s house should result in your child not being able to see the friend for a few days. Missing a trip to the amusement park as punishment does not fit this offense. Praise is also important. Look for the good in your child and praise it. Sometimes parents must look hard to find something to praise, but you still should look for it. Also work to build your child’s self-esteem through positive acclamations, such as “You know Billy, I love you because you're my son, but I really like you because you’re you.” Messages like these really help in building self-esteem, especially when they are unearned and spontaneous. Your child always will appreciate them.
Parental conflicts: Two wonderful words can be used when your child wants to engage in an unending argument with you or chooses to defy your authority. They are “nevertheless” and “regardless.” For example:

Parent: John, please pick up your room and then feed the dog.

Child: But Mom, Sarah never has to do any chores.

Parent: Nevertheless, I want you to pick up your room and feed the dog.

By using these simple argument deflectors you can avoid the confrontation and negotiation and keep the child’s focus on the issue. These deflectors can be used to avoid arguments in almost any situation. In resolving conflicts at home, especially those regarding how thoroughly your children have accomplished their chores, it helps to specify the task while being direct and to the point. In this way, there is no confusion. You will have the greatest success if you keep the statements short and direct, and you child will feel more successful upon completion. As always, don't forget to praise a job well done.

Family meetings: At least one night a week should be set aside for family meetings. These should be open forum in that everyone should have an opportunity to tell how they feel. A family meeting isn’t the time to punish or discipline but rather to listen to your children's feelings and concerns and to ask them to listen to yours. Only through open, honest communication can a family increase its positive relationships and grow together.

Parenting is hard work. There is no instruction manual for children when they are born. Therefore, we must try new things, hone our skills, learn from and support each other and give ourselves a break when we have rough days. It helps to have a positive attitude.

Remember these two phrases from Janet Lane and Henry Chester. Lane says, "Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.” Chester says, "Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money, power and influence.”

Trish Hatch, Ph.D., is assistant principal, Moreno Valley High School in Moreno Valley, Calif. She can be reached at thatch@mvusd.k21.ca

Consequences

2010-05-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

It has been a chaotic and trying month here at Bayside, but (as always) our school community has rallied around one another with love and support.

Today's blog post is from Michael Josephson from Character Counts which will be used next year in grades 3-6 for Character Education.

“We Don’t Want to Ruin Their Lives”

A few years ago, 14 students at an affluent public high school were involved in a school break-in. They weren’t vandals and weren’t trying to steal anything. Their goal was to alter the computer records of their academic transcripts so they’d have a better chance of getting into premier colleges. Some people were horrified, others amused, and still others treated the matter as a minor youthful indiscretion. The superintendent fell into the last category. “It’s a one-time infraction of the rules,” he declared, imposing a five-day suspension.

Corrected transcripts were sent to the colleges involved, but the schools weren’t told about the burglary or falsification of records. The reason? “The students were under a lot of pressure and made a mistake,” the superintendent said. “But we don’t want to ruin their lives. They learned their lesson.”

They learned a lesson all right. They learned that there’s little downside to doing whatever it takes to get what you want, even committing a felony. They learned that even if you get caught, you probably won't suffer serious consequences.

Come on! Suspending high school seniors for a week is a vacation, not a punishment.

This sort of excessive leniency sends a terrible message to kids about right and wrong. The superintendent then trivialized the act by calling it a “mistake.”

A mathematical error is a mistake. Forgetting someone's birthday is a mistake. Getting into a bad relationship is a mistake.

But breaking into a locked office to alter documents isn’t a mistake. It’s a premeditated act of dishonesty and should be treated as such. If that means the students may suffer long-term impact, so be it. That’s what justice requires and responsibility is about.
http://charactercounts.org/michael/2010/04/we_dont_want_to_ruin_their_liv_2.html

Helping Teens Cope With Grief

2010-04-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Each year thousands of teenagers experience the death of someone they love. When this occurs, teens feel the overwhelming loss of someone who helped shape their fragile self-identities. And these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever.

Caring adults, whether parents, teachers, counselors or friends, can help teens during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for young people to learn about both the joy and pain that comes from caring deeply for others.

Many Teens Are Told To “Be Strong”

Sad to say, many adults who lack understanding of their experience discourage teens from sharing their grief. Bereaved teens give out all kinds of signs that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are often pressured to act as they are doing better than they really are.

Teen Years Can Be Naturally Difficult

Teens are no longer children, yet neither are they adults. With the exception of infancy, no developmental period is so filled with change as adolescence. Leaving the security of childhood, the adolescent begins the process of separation from parents. The death of a parent or sibling, then, can be a particularly devastating experience during this already difficult period.

At the same time the bereaved teen is confronted by the death of someone loved, he or she also faces psychological, physiological and academic pressures. While teens may begin to look like “men” or “women”, they will still need consistent and compassionate support as they do the work of mourning, because physical development does not always equal emotional maturity.

Teens Often Experience Sudden Deaths

The grief that teens experience often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. A parent may die of a sudden heart attack, a brother or sister may be killed in an auto accident, or a friend may commit suicide. The very nature of these deaths often results in a prolonged and heightened sense of unreality.

Relationship Conflicts May Exist

As teens strive for their independence, relationship conflicts with family members often occur. A normal, though trying way in which teens separate from their parents is by going through a period of devaluation.

Signs a Teen May Need Extra Help

As we have discussed, there are many reasons why healthy grieving can be especially difficult for teenagers. Some grieving teens may even behave in ways that seem inappropriate or frightening. Be on the watch for:

symptoms of chronic depression, sleeping difficulties, restlessness and low self esteem
academic failure or indifference to school-related activities
deterioration of relationships with family and friends
risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, and sexual experimentation
denying pain while at the same time acting overly strong or mature.

Caring Adult’s Role

How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way teens react to the death. Sometimes adults don’t want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so, young people will be spared some of the pain and sadness. However, the reality is very simple: teens grieve anyway.

Teens often need caring adults to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to feel a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies. They also usually need help understanding that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever. When ignored, teens may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief.

For more information, see here:

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm

And as always, I am here to assist your student any time and Peer Counselors are also available.

Given all the media attention as of late

2010-04-02T10:38:00.001-07:00

I thought I would pass along some gems from Psychology Today:

Top Strategies for Handling a Bully
By Hara Estroff Marano on March 30, 2010

What Children Can Do:

• A wise line of defense is avoidance. Know when to walk away. It is thoroughly adaptive behavior to avoid a bully. Being picked on is not character-building.
• Use humor to defuse a bully who may be about to attack. Make a joke: "Look, Johnny, lay off. I don't want you to be late for school."
• Or tell the bully assertively, "Get a life. Leave me alone." And walk away. This may be the best defense for girls.
• Recruit a friend. Observers find that having a friend on the playground is one of the most powerful protectives, especially for boys.
• In general, seek out the friendly children and build friendships with them.

What Parents Can Do:

• See that your child has a grounding in assertive behavior. The real first line of defense against a bully is self-confidence.
• Spread the word that bullying is bad for bullies.
• Ask your children how peers treat them. Children often are ashamed to bring up the subject. Parents must.
• Enroll your child in a social-skills group where children learn and practice skills in different situations.
• Model good relationships at home. Help siblings get along.
• Increase the social opportunities of all kids, but especially victimized ones. Invite other children, and groups of children, over to the house. Encourage sleepovers. This is your job; parents are social engineers.
• Enroll your child in classes or groups that develop competencies in activities that are valued by peers. Even kids who don't love sportsmay like karate, tae kwon do, and similar activities.
• Shut off the TV: much programming reinforces the idea that aggression is the only way to deal with conflicts.
• Empathy helps. Instill in all kids a sense of the distress that a victim experiences.
• Help your child come up with a set of clever verbal comebacks to be used in the event of victimization by verbally abusive peers.
• See that kids in groups have plenty of things to do. Provide play materials. Buy a soccer ball. Paint a hopscotch pattern on the sidewalk. Bullying flourishes when kids are together and have nothing else to do.
• Do not tell or teach a kid to fight back. Fighting back is the worst defense. In most instances, victimized children really are weaker and smaller than the bully-thus their fears of losing their fights may be quite real. Besides, not all bullying takes the form of physical aggression. Counter-aggression to any form of bullying actually increases the likelihood of continued victimization.
• Do not expect kids to work it out on their own. Bullying is not a simply a problem of individuals. Given the influence of the peer groups and reputational factors in maintaining the behavior of bullies and victims, it is extremely unrealistic to expect kids to alter the dynamics of bullying by themselves.
• Always intervene. Adults have a crucial role to play in the socialization of children. And consistency counts. Any time adults do not intervene they are essentially training others to solve problems through aggression.
• Talk to your child's teachers to find out what is normal behavior for children of that age group and to find out the class atmosphere is like.
• Talk to other parents; where there's one victimized child there are likely to be others.

I wish each and everyone of your familes a fun and safe spring break!

Regardless of a groundhog...

2010-03-04T11:53:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to sense a little spring fever in the air. Whether it is Clyde lounging in the sun or the Seniors ducking assignments since they got their acceptance letters or crushes proliferating in the lower school...spring is in the air (and occasionally in the temperatures)!

For the Upper School students/parents (especially those embarking on the college search), make sure to check out The Barkin' Blog here!

For any of you that have children who have a cell phone or if you are even in discussion to get your children a cell phone, check out this site NOW!!!! According to Common Sense Media: Canada’s TextED takes a comprehensive approach to addressing the potential pitfalls of texting. In addition to covering basic safety, privacy, and legal concerns, the site delves deep into what it means to be a good friend and what qualities are important in healthy relationships. (The bottom line is respect.) There’s a good mix of expert advice and activities that encourage teens to reflect on the consequences of certain behaviors and share their experiences. As a result, the site gets its messages across without sounding preachy or using scare tactics.

Exciting things are being planned here on campus! The Peer Counselors/SADD Club are sponsoring a pre-prom assembly on distracted driving, the Middle School Girl's Service Club is hosting a Conversations That Count event on March 30th, and a special Character Education event may just be coming to BA.

As always, you feedback and input matters so contact me with any questions or concerns!

Cyberbullying Leads to Death of Teen Girl

2010-02-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

Below is a great article from Rachel Simmons regarding Cyberbullying. And while it is aimed at daughters, I urge all parents to read it. I recently put out a few copies of Common Sense Media's Cyberbullying Parent Info sheet in the lower school, but you can access it here. Also, take a look at a family netiquette plan from Media Wise here. And as always, feel free to contact me if you need any more tips, resources, or just want to chat about your student!

How to Talk to Your Daughter About Cyberbullying Now

By Rachel Simmons
From rachelsimmons.com
http://www.rachelsimmons.com/2010/01/how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-cyberbullying-now/

Last week’s suicide of 15 year old Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, MA has communities around the country reeling. Phoebe didn’t just suffer taunts, mean looks and harassment at school. She was cyberbullied: tortured online and by phone.

Phoebe’s death – and an explosion in cyberbullying worldwide – are telegraphing an emergency message to schools and families: we must take action now. Yet the vast majority of schools decline to intervene with real consequences when cyberbullying incidents occur.

Why? Because, school officials say, it’s happening off school grounds. I understand the legal issues involved, but I get really angry when I hear this argument. Schools are terrific at using technology to connect classrooms to the moon via NASA and to students in other countries. Classrooms without borders are swell when they teach – but when students start dehumanizing each other using the very same technology, and it threatens their education and safety at school, well, we can’t go there.

Cyberbullying has intensified the experience of getting bullied by literally shattering the walls between school and home. There is no escape. As Parry Aftab has said, cyberbullying follows you everywhere: home, summer camp, to Grandma’s house.

Which means that kids are being suffocated and overwhelmed by an onslaught of abuse. They are unable to find refuge from the torment. Suicide, for some, may feel like the only way out.
Fact is, it’s not enough to say to a kid, “So don’t go online. Don’t pick up the phone.” Could you follow that advice? I sure couldn’t. Young people are passionate about their reputations. They’re also developmentally unable to understand that anything beyond their personal hell exists.
With a recent study showing that youth spend nearly every waking moment with a device in their hands, I want to share some of my advice to parents on how to talk with your child about cyberbullying and digital citizenship. If you haven’t had this conversation, or one like it, do not pass go. The time is now.

1. Begin with a discussion. Raise the issue by talking about what you’ve heard or read. “It seems like cyberbullying is becoming a big deal lately.” Mention Phoebe’s suicide. Ask your child what she’s seen.

2. Let her know you’re there if she’s in trouble, no matter what – even if she’s partly responsible for a situation. Assure her that you’ll keep a problem between you when you can, and that you’ll be open to discussing it if she doesn’t want you to intervene (never promise that you won’t intervene). Your bottom line: this is a serious issue, and if she’s in trouble, you don’t want her to be alone, no matter what.

3. Ensure her cell phone and computer have screen locks that are password protected.

4. Let her know your policy on cyberbullying. For example: “I want to make sure we’re both clear on some rules around your use of technology. I expect you to conduct yourself online the same way you do in real life. That means making sure you treat people with kindness and respect at all times.”

5. Talk about some examples of what breaking the rules might look like. Use some of what you heard in the opening discussion you had to get specific about what’s not okay. Make sure she understands she is expected to steer clear of the following behaviors: She is expected not to use another person’s cell phone or computer without his/her permission; to circulate embarrassing photographs or video about another person; to forward hurtful or embarrassing messages or media; to use anonymous or unrecognizable screen names to communicate; to use foul or abusive language that could embarrass or hurt others. You may want to create an ethical Internet use contract together.

6. Explain your stance. Don’t just say “no;” explain why. Use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about the values that are important to you and your family: respect, kindness, integrity, and compassion.

7. Let her know technology is a privilege. “Being able to have a phone or computer is no different from being able to drive a car. When you get your license, it’s because you’ve proven you’re mature enough to follow rules and take others into consideration. The same will be true for tech use. If you aren’t mature enough to act with respect, you will lose your access.”

8. Emphasize the positive: “I see you as a person with enormous kindness, integrity and respect for others. I expect you to be that same person when you’re using an electronic device.
It’s never too early to have this conversation. Talk to your kids about cyberbullying, and start talking to school officials about getting involved. South Hadley High School began every day last week with a moment of silence to remember Phoebe. Silence is the last thing we need on this issue. Let’s not let Phoebe die in vain.

9. Encourage empathy. Talk with your kids about what Phoebe may have been feeling when she was being bullied. Many are now identifying with Phoebe in death. By considering her experience before she died, kids can identify with her in life — and reflect on behaviors and situations they have real power to change.

Peer Counseling Guideline Changes

2010-01-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Bayside Parent,

Changes have been made to the Peer Counseling Program! In order to be eligible to sign up for Peer Counseling Essentials (PC IA) for the Fall Semester 2010, your child must fill out an application packet and return it to the School Counselor’s office by the end of the school day on Monday February 8th! Be sure they fill out all parts of the application packet before they turn it in. Applications are available in the School Counseling office.

Also, please keep in mind the following guidelines for enrollment and advancement in the Peer Counseling program at Bayside Academy:

To be enrolled in PC IA (Essentials of Peer Counseling), a student must:
• Have parental permission
• Be a rising Junior
• Must fully complete an application packet including: an essay on why they think they would be a good match for the program and two letters of recommendation from Bayside Faculty/Staff
• Adhere to the National Association of Peer Programs Code of Ethics
• Complete an orientation with the School Counselor and the current PC I students

To be enrolled in PC IB (Advanced Topics in Peer Counseling), a student must:
• Complete PCIA with a grade of at least a “B”
• Complete all assignments fully and on time in PCIA
• Participated in class discussions in PCIA
• Maintained confidentiality of class discussions in PCIA
• Attend 90% of all Monday lunch SADD meetings unless excused by the School Counselor
• Continue to adhere to the Code of Ethics
• Not receive a grade below a “C” in any academic class during Semester I

To be enrolled in Peer Counseling II a student must:
• Be a rising Senior
• Have satisfactorily completed PCIA and PCIB
• Have a GPA of at least 2.5
• Complete a formal interview with the School Counselor assessing personal strengths and weaknesses as related to the duties of Peer Counseling
• Continue to adhere to the Code of Ethics and sign a contract
• Not receive a grade below a “C” in any academic class during the previous semester
• Attend 90% of all Monday lunch SADD meetings unless excused by the School Counselor

Regards,
Amanda L. Hembree, MS
School Counselor and Peer Counselor Coordinatorelor Coordinator

Happy New Year!

2010-01-08T07:50:00.001-08:00

OK, I'll admit it, I was late to work this morning! But for good reason, on this literally freezing morning I acquired a flat tire. After calling roadside assistance, we discovered the cold weather had made my spare tire flat and the roadside guy had lent his compressor to his brother. My point to this, other than seriously wondering if my hands are frostbitten, is that we should all take a moment to make sure our vehicles are in good working order (including spare tires) and to make sure you bundle up your children! Safety first, ALWAYS!

On that note, and thinking that Santa may have slipped many an iPhone under many a tree within the past month, Common Sense Media has a great article on setting parental controls on your new favorite tech device.

Speaking of cell phones and safety first, one of Bayside's active families (the Citrins) have teamed up with other members of the community to present Gulf Coast Alive at 25, hosted by the Citrin Safety Foundation. This event will take place on Saturday February 27th at the Daphne Civic Center. Alive at 25 is a highly interactive, four-hour safe driving program for ages 15-24. Thanks to the Citrin Safety Foundation, this program will be offered for FREE and may also help earn your teen discounts on car insurance. The training will teach young adults:

Why they often underestimate risk
The effects of inexperience, peer pressure and such distractions as cell phones, texting, MP3 players, and GPS units
State and local driving laws and regulations
Communication skills for assertiveness and being a young leader
Responsibilities of passengers

Common Sense Media also has a new article this week on the dangers of in car electronics you can check out.

Next week, I will be updating you all on the recent activities of the Drug Education Council of Mobile, who will be honoring local students for their Red Ribbon Week projects on Monday and the Community of Concern Leadership Symposium. Until then, be safe and stay warm!

Character Education Girls in 4th, 5th, 6th Grades

2009-12-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

Today I held a Character Education Class with the girls in the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades during each classes PE time. As it 'tis the season, we talked about Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali, Kwanzaa, and the Winter Solstice. Most of the conversations centered around Christmas and each of the girl's perceptions of that holiday. Many of them spoke about "things" and "stuff", so we went in-depth on the true meaning of Christmas and the spirit of the season. While I know every family has their own traditions based on their own individual spiritual beliefs, I wanted to touch on the general concepts of goodwill and gratitude. We spoke at length about gratitude and what it means to each of them. We also discussed how each of them can individually show gratitude. We also did a "gratitude" adjustment exercise where each of them wrote nice things on a note card about the others in their small group.

I hope this Character Ed class reminded each of your daughters how lucky they are and the power they have to effect change on another person's life through their choices each day. I also hope that each of you will model gratitude, goodwill, thankfulness, and peace to each of your children not only this holiday season, but each and every day!

I will be tackling the boys and the 3rd grade on Monday!

Let's Talk about S-E-X-ting

2009-12-11T11:02:00.000-08:00

I have had a few emails, phone calls and what not since "sexting" has been in the news this week. While I am not putting out an official school or administrative stance on the issues, I did want to send along some information from a Cyberbullying research group (because I am all about data!):

Recently, we’ve received calls and inquiries about “sexting” and the Jesse Logan case, and so I thought we’d discuss the matter here. For those looking for an official definition, we characterize “sexting” as “the sending or receiving of sexually-suggestive or explicit text or pictures via one’s cell phone.” Anecdotally, it seems that the phenomenon is growing in frequency and prevalence, and has garnered a significant amount of attention in the last month due to the publicizing of Jesse Logan’s suicide in July 2008. In that tragic situation, the 18-year-old girl took her life after an ex-boyfriend circulated nude pictures of her to a large number of their high school peers. What is interesting is that Jessie contacted the media after the incident about the harassment, but nothing substantive was done in response by any authority figures. Two months later, she committed suicide after suffering scholastically and relationally on account of the humiliation and abuse she received from classmates. Eight months later, we are seeing more cases of law enforcement and district attorneys coming down hard (with child pornography convictions) on youth or young adult males who circulate pictures of their underage girlfriends (or ex-girlfriends), and some would argue these convictions are overkill, outside of the original intentions of legislators who formulated the laws, and a double standard that unfairly punishes minors for what adults sometimes do with impunity. Others believe that such strict interpretation of the law (where it is a felony to take, send or keep any sexually-explicit image of a minor) is necessary in order to prevent tragedies like the Jesse Logan case.

I talked to a school administrator today who underscored how big of an issue this was in their district, gave some suggestions as to what could be done - and when schools could step in and confiscate and search cell phones of students for evidence. We believe schools (and parents) should at this point emphatically stress to youth that sending, receiving, or storing sexually-suggestive pictures on their phones is extremely risky and could lead to criminal prosecution. They should also underscore the importance of never taking and sending these types of pictures of themselves to anyone - even those they trust - because of the ease with which they can be forwarded or shared with others (friends, acquaintances, and strangers). Finally, educators should remind youth that they will work closely with law enforcement should this behavior occur among the student body. Teens must realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that the act is not worth the pain, humiliation, and penalties that will likely result.

With regard to hard empirical data, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and Cosmogirl.com recently conducted a survey of over 1200 youth which found that 22% of girls and 18% of boys have electronically sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves. We are currently studying the phenomenon and will share our findings as soon as possible.

Additionally, I urge all parents to look at the cell phone/texting/sexting/electronics guides at
MediaWise and Common Sense Media

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

2009-12-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well not really, but it *is* cold and I did see rumors of snow or sleet in the forecast and for a moment I forgot we were on the Gulf Coast! But judging from the stress of the students who have been in my office this week, we must be getting close to finals time!

I had a wonderful talk with the Lower School Parent Alliance Members and I am looking forward to their suggestion of not only having a School Counseling Blog, but also a page forthcoming on Edline. Taylor Strunk and I are working on the technical details to get it launched as soon as possible.

Since I know many of you are currently trying to finish/start/avoid holiday shopping, I wanted to pass on some great advice from Common Sense Media:

End the Battle Over Holiday Wish Lists

Kids often give their parents major grief for crossing "cool" games off of holiday wish lists. In kid logic, games are "cool" when they have awesome graphics and gameplay, envelope-pushing storylines, and all manners of weaponry. And they aren't wrong. The games they want typically are well constructed, thoughtful, and exciting. But they're often inappropriate for the teens who hunger for them.

A lot of this season's most talked-about games include ones with excessive violence, negative role models, extreme gore, sociopathic behavior, and other things that have been proven to have a negative effect on kids.

So how do you give kids what they want without giving them what you don't want? Know your options. Follow our tips on a choosing great video games, check out our 2009 video game gift guide, and offer alternatives that don't veer into unhealthy territory.

We've compiled a list of this season's hottest games, plus 10 you can say yes to. In choosing our alternatives, we stuck with T-rated titles geared for ages 12-15, and we matched gaming systems -- so if you nix an M-rated PS3 game, you can replace it with a similar T-rated PS3 game.

10 Cool Games That Are Uncool for Kids (and 10 Alternatives)

Assassin's Creed II Authentically recreated Renaissance cities, near photo-realistic action, and historical accuracy make this a great game for mature players. But playing as an assassin who relies on an arsenal of weapons makes the violence excessive.
Alternative: Mirror's Edge

Borderlands This first-person shooter earned critical acclaim for its innovative use of weaponry, comic-book-like world, and online play. But the game (which has a cover that shows a character shooting himself in the head) has strong language, human enemies used as target practice, mature humor, and lots of blood and gore.
Alternative: Infamous

Brutal Legend Cartoon-like in its graphics and delivery, this fantasy action game nonetheless features plenty of violence, including the ability to hack and slash demonic armies with your double-sided axe.
Alternative: Ghostbusters: The Video Game

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 An immersive first-person perspective ups the realism of this shooter, which contains a controversial (but optional) level where you go undercover as an enemy terrorist.
Alternative: Battlefield: Bad Company

Dead Space: Extraction This atmospheric, horror-filled tale offers players a unique cooperative play option, but its use of violence -- like blood spurting out of victims' bodies, human carcasses littering the floor, blood-stained walls and floors, and copious screams of torture -- put it over the top.
Alternative: Deadly Creatures

Dragon Age: Origins This is a masterly crafted but combat-heavy game featuring decapitations and swords plunged deeply into monsters' chests.
Alternative: Braid

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony Frequent and ruthless violence, gratuitous sex, lawlessness, drinking, drugs -- this isn't a game for kids. But the fully interactive open world offers an immersive diversion for hardcore gamers.
Alternative: Batman: Arkham Asylum

Demon's Souls It's not just the copious amounts of blood and the smaller enemies who fall like rag dolls at your feet -- this game also has a depressing vibe. Because you constantly die, it can break the spirit of even the most seasoned gamer, but hardcore players relish this kind of challenge.
Alternative: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Left 4 Dead 2 Teamwork is an essential component of this super-gory shooter, but violence -- players are meant to gawk at and appreciate the extreme levels of gore -- plays a much greater role.
Alternative: Overlord II

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars Don't let the cartoon-like look and DS platform fool you. While this game's fully realized world and challenging missions are fun for adults, players can use the services of prostitutes, run over pedestrians, and kill police officers.
Alternative: C.O.P.: The Recruit

Video Game Editor Jinny Gudmunsen contributed to this article.

Have a great weekend full of holiday cheer, and keep warm!

To Be Giving Thanks

2009-11-24T07:56:00.001-08:00

It certainly has been a year of anxiety and concern all over the area, causing a definite increase in the amount of children and parents I have assisted this school year. But I urge all of us to take a moment to step off the chaos treadmill and really consider what this up coming break is all about!

Thankfulness comes from a feeling of wholeness, that nothing is missing, that there is no one you need to retaliate against. In fact, thankfulness often crosses over into wanting to show gratitude by giving to others. Thankfulness cannot exist at the same time as anger or other negative emotions, but it is also an emotion that requires you to push the "pause" button on life.

Gratitude is an emotion expressing appreciation for what one has—as opposed to, say, a consumer-oriented emphasis on what one wants or needs—and is currently receiving a great deal of attention as a facet of positive psychology. Gratitude is what gets poured into the glass to make it half full. Studies show that gratitude not only can be deliberately cultivated but can increase levels of well-being and happiness among those who do cultivate it. In addition, grateful thinking—and especially expression of it to others—is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy.

If you are struggling with either, Dr. Barton Goldsmith from Psychology Today has made a cheat sheet on 10 things to be Thankful for:

1. Be thankful for growing older. Not everyone gets this opportunity. Aging with health and grace is a rare and beautiful gift.
2. Be thankful that you can read these words. It is a very sad thing that many people do not have the ability to read.
3. If you have to wait in line at the supermarket for your Thanksgiving dinner, be thankful that you can afford what you want to eat and have a convenient place to buy it. We are all aware of the many people waiting in line to have a meal at the local homeless shelter.
4. Be thankful for the ability to pay your bills, even if it means that you have to give up some things that you want. Remember that having basic needs met is a luxury for many people.
5. If you have to get up before dawn to get to work, be thankful that you get to see another sunrise and have a job to go to. Think about what it would be like if you slept everyday until noon and spent the rest of your waking hours wondering what to do with your life.
6. When you're stuck in traffic, be thankful you have a car to get where you need to go and money to buy gas. Standing in the rain while waiting for a bus is, at the very least, uncomfortable.
7. When the kids are screaming at each other, be thankful that you have children to love and who love you, and remember that at least some of the time, they do get along. There will always be bumps in the road, but they are usually followed by easier times.
8. When your mate is acting grumpy or giving you a hard time, be thankful for having love in your life and someone to grow old with. A life partner is something that less than half the population has. Having your partner is a blessing that needs to be counted several times.
9. When your parents are telling you how to run your life, be thankful that you still have them around. If they are no longer with you, take a moment to be thankful for the time you had with them.
10. When you sit down with your loved ones for your Thanksgiving dinner, be thankful for everyone and everything that makes it possible. Look your family and friends in the eye and express to them your gratitude for sharing this wonderful time together.

Marching toward Thanksgiving

2009-11-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

We still soldier on in that longest time of the year between Labor Day and Thanksgiving, and while my office has on some days resembled more of a deli counter ("Now Serving #24), things remain fantastic overall here at Bayside.

We had a great Homecoming full of school spirit, and our amazing Athletes have won championships, gone to playoffs, sectionals and state competitions. Additionally, we are wrapping up our celebration of Red Ribbon Week. This year we brought the message of making safe and healthy choices down to the lower grades through Character Education in First through Sixth Grades including a message for the littlest ones about medicine safety (as they often confuse drugs and medicine). A red sock day proved fun for all, and those caught spreading the message earned a special surprise.

I have been working diligently to remain proactive here in the counseling office, which is hard when children are so reactive. This is especially true during the middle school years. I urge all parents to help their middle school aged children to stop feeding the drama llama. The drama llama is a creature that invades the middle-schooler's life alongside hormones and increased academic work.

While these tweens and early teens are beginning to struggle with finding their own true self-identity, they often get caught up in the waves of drama surrounding them. Urge your children to be a good friend by listening, but not adding to the drama with friends in seeming "crises" (that aren't really). While they may have this new sudden interest in girls or boys that wasn't there before, strongly encourage them to make time for the friends they had before being stuck by cupid's arrow (because those friends will be there after the boy/girl is long gone) and to not give up on their passions (whether athletics, art, music, dance, etc.). Most of all, stay involved.

They are most likely giving you next to nothing to work with, one word answers and mumbles are the norm. But keep pushing, this doesn't mean you are being smothering by wanting to know what your children are up to. Asking 40 questions to get 10 answers is better than asking 10 questions and finding out nothing. Continue to monitor their lives, even as they seek (and should receive) independence. It is reasonable and responsible to what to know the who/what/where/when/why of their time. This is especially true with technology, as these children have access to each other all the time, even if it isn't face to face. And believe me, that drama llama gets fed most of all through texts/emails/IMs, when things get lost in digital translation!

Here are some tips from this weeks Common Sense Media newsletter:

Common Sense Rules of the Road for Parents

1. Model good behavior. If we’re on our Blackberries or iPhones at dinner, why will our kids listen to us when we tell them to turn theirs off?

2. Pay attention. We have to know where our kids are going online -- and what they're doing there.

3. Impart our values. Cheating, lying, being cruel -- they’re all non-starters. Right and wrong extends to online and mobile life.

4. Establish limits. Phone time, video download time, destinations. There’s really a right time and place for everything.

5. Encourage balance. Get kids involved in offline activities -- especially where there's no cell service.

6. Make kids accountable. If they have a privilege, make sure they earn it.

7. Explain what's at stake. Let kids know that what they do today can be abused by someone tomorrow.

8. Find ways to say "yes." That means we have to do some homework and know the sites they visit, the songs they download, etc. -- and find ways to use technology that lets us say “yes” more often than we say “no.”

9. Don't be technophobic. It's not rocket science.

10. Lighten up, embrace their world, and enjoy the possibilities together. None of us want digital divides in our relationships with our kids. It's up to us to join the fun and help them seize the potential.

S-T-R-E-S-S, Stress, stress, stressstress!

2009-10-13T10:13:00.001-07:00

Ask many adults what they think of when you mention “senior year of high school” and they most likely will conjure up images of prom, football games, college visits, and spending time with friends. They might even through in that word “senioritis”. Ask an actual Senior in High School and they will sum it up with another word…STRESS!

Between AP classes and SATs and ACTs and college searches and Mrs. Willis bugging for that résumé/brag letter/application on top of trying to juggle visiting friends who have already left for college and trying to hold on to the ones still here before you leave and trying to decide where to go and how to pay for it and what you want to do with the REST OF YOUR LIFE…whoa, I think I just had a flashback!

Before you give yourself a panic attack, take a few deep breaths and remember these things:

• Develop time management skills. Don’t over schedule your day. Create realistic expectations and deadlines. Plan ahead and prioritize tasks. You may have to say “No” to some things.

• Pace yourself. Remember that life is a marathon, not a sprint. That goes for school and the college admission process.

• Don’t let little things become big things. Take care of small tasks as they arise before they become MAJOR CRISES.

• Remember, NOBODY is perfect. Don’t demand perfection from yourself or from others. Not everyone gets to be #1 and that is OK!!!

• Take time out of your busy schedule to have fun or relax. Find out what activities engender a feeling of well-being within you. It could be reading for pleasure, playing music or singing, meditation, deep breathing exercises, an afternoon power nap, a game of chess—anything that takes your mind off school and relaxes you.

• Regular exercise is a proven method of minimizing stress. Find something vigorous to do that increases your heart rate for at least 20 minutes a few times a week. You can combine this with the one above (see: time management!).

• Eat well, be well. Too much junk food or fast food will contribute to your high stress levels. Good nutrition is essential to a healthy mind and body.

• Get plenty of rest. Avoid all-nighters and eleventh-hour cram sessions fueled by caffeine. Sleeplessness and chronic fatigue exacerbate stress.

• Stay positive. Don’t get caught in a cycle of negativity and frustration. Look for solutions to problems. Learn to be patient and understanding of other people’s behavior.

• Seek professional help if you feel overburdened and unable to cope. Don’t put off talking to me or another trusted adult if you feel overwhelmed by stress.

• Don’t shut out your parents. According to the Mayo clinic, “Adolescents who have positive relationships with their parents tend to handle stress more effectively as adults.”

Remember that stress is a part of life. It’s a byproduct of the fight-or-flight function of our nervous system. Acute stress can save us in a crisis or cause us to rise to the challenge of an important event, but chronic stress brought about by the pressures of daily life can be debilitating unless managed. You have more control than you think, you just need to center yourself every once and a while!

New Bullying Law Takes Effect

2009-09-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Passing this along from the Times-Daily. Every parent and educator should be aware of this!

Bully law takes effect

By Lisa Singleton-Rickman
Staff Writer

Published: Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 3:30 a.m.

Alabama is among the most recent of 44 states to pass an anti-bullying law, which will go into effect Oct. 1.

Until now, there haven't been any legal repercussions from bullying and it's an issue the state has long needed to address, said longtime educator Lisa Moses, of Florence, who said bullying is one area addressed in another new piece of legislation known as Taylor's Law. Under that law, a student's behavior at school, including bullying, can delay the student from acquiring a driver's license.

"Bullying has too long been ignored on the school level and has somewhat been accepted with a 'boys will be boys' attitude," Moses said. "Kids need to be able to report these things anonymously, but they don't trust that it will be kept quiet and they're scared."

Moses said schools have a duty to see that bullies get the help they need to change their behavior.

"Research shows that bullies have a much higher risk of having a criminal record," she said. "We're just as responsible for helping those kids."

In 2007, nearly a third of students ages 12 to 18 reported having been bullied during the school year, according to data on more than 55 million students compiled annually by the National Center for Education Statistics.

That's up from as few as 1 in 10 students in the '90s, though bullying experts point out the rising numbers may reflect more reports of bullying, not necessarily more incidents.

Of the states that expressly ban bullying - primarily prompted by a rash of school shootings beginning in the late 1990's - few measures have identified children who excessively pick on their peers. And few offer any method for ensuring anti-bullying policies are enforced, according to the National Council of State Legislatures.

The issue came to a head in April when 11-year-old Jaheem Herrera committed suicide at his Atlanta-area home after his parents say he was repeatedly tormented in school. District officials denied it, and an independent review found bullying wasn't a factor, a conclusion his family rejects.

Regardless, Georgia's law, among the toughest in the nation, still would not have applied: It only applies to students in grades sixth to 12th. Herrera was a fifth-grader.

Alabama's law covers grades pre-kindergarten through 12th. The sponsor of the bill, State Rep. Betty Carol Graham, D-Alexander City, said the new Alabama law was three years in the making and grew out of the rise in suicides among youth in the state and nation.

"Home and school should be the two safest places in the world for children, and Alabama didn't have a policy in place to assure that in schools," Graham said. "Not only is that unbelievable, it's unforgiveable."

Graham said there could be more legislation added to the law in the future. "I'm not bowing out of the process now that the law is passed. This Legislature will stand ready to make any changes or additions as needed. We believe in it that much."

Florence Middle School Principal Bill Griffin has been a proponent of anti-bullying policies for years. He said the intimidation factor is key to bullies being successful. Teaching students to speak up for themselves and tell someone in authority about incidences of bullying is the hard part.

"The most important word in a bully's vocabulary is 'snitch' and he or she operates strictly by that student's silence," Griffin said. "We have to empower other students, too, to speak up on behalf of those being bullied, to come and tell us.

"Yes, we have an obligation as educators to be vigilant and watch for bullying, but we have to get students to talk to us. Communication is key."

After Herrera's death in Georgia, other parents came forward to say their children had been bullied and that school officials did nothing with the complaints, rendering the state's law useless.

"There is a systematic problem," said Mike Wilson, who said his 12-year-old daughter was bullied for two years in the same school district where Herrera died. "The lower level employees, the teachers, the principals, are trying to keep this information suppressed."

Only six states - Montana, Hawaii, Wisconsin, Massachusetts, North Dakota and South Dakota - and the District of Columbia lack specific laws targeting school bullying, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures. Most states require school districts to adopt open-ended policies to prohibit bullying and harassment.

"The states themselves can't micromanage a school district - but they can say to a school district, 'Look, you have to have consequences,' " said Brenda High, whose Web site, Bully Police USA, tracks anti-bullying laws across the nation and who advocates for strict repercussions for bullies. The Washington state-based advocate's son, Jared, was 13 when he committed suicide in 1998 after complaining of bullying.

"It needs to be written into the law that bullying has the same consequences as assault," she said. "The records and such need to be kept so that if the child is a chronic bully, they - after so many instances - will end up in an alternative school."

Lisa Singleton-Rickman can be reached at 740-5735 or lisa.singleton-rickman@TimesDaily.com

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

Teen "Horror"-mones or Something More Serious?

2009-09-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

There is little doubt that the stereotype of the adolescent monster holds some truth. Parents shrink in fear of this hostile, moody, defiant creature their once angelic child has turned into. It doesn't help that teens seem to have an invisible switch they can turn on and off at the slightest whim. Hormonal changes in the adolescent years can often cause a temperamental nature not seen in a bubbly tween. Comparisons with other teens if often not effective. Like snowflakes, no two teens are alike. Additionally, the severity of acting out is a constant continuum. Is a child sullen or genuinely unhappy? If you can even get your teen to talk, are they revealing their deep and darkest secrets? Are you still missing something? These questions can cause severe doubt and worry in even the most seasoned parent. Parents will often wonder when a Jekyll and Hyde routine crosses the line into something needing serious intervention.

Parents should be aware that there are normal growing pains during adolescence, however, they should also remain cognizant that many mood disorders (such as bi-polar disorder) often develop during adolescence and are frequently misdiagnosed because of the belief that all teens are “moody”.

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 9.0% of adolescents aged 12 to 17 (an estimated 2.2 million adolescents) experienced at least one major depressive episode in the past year. Those with a family history of mood disorders can show symptoms of the more serious condition of Major Depressive Disorder (or “clinical depression), but it may often be explained away as typical teen angst. Those adolescents who are moody or irritable and also exhibit signs of academic failure and risk taking behaviors are especially vulnerable.

Behavioral symptoms can often overlap with other disorders like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The overlap of these two disorders is estimated to be at least 15 %. A child may experience difficulty paying attention, be hyperactive, irritable or explosive, and having acting out behaviors. Even if they are being treated with ADHD medication, they can still experience erratic moods and behaviors Often times, their moods will fluctuate between hopelessness and elation, leading to impulsive behaviors and clouded judgment. It can be especially overwhelming for a teen when they experience these feelings concurrently.

Cases such as these should be evaluated by a therapist, adolescent psychiatrist or pediatrician immediately. Without a proper and accurate diagnosis, treatment cannot begin. There are a number of effective interventions and medications which can help to stabilize moods and bring children back to optimum functioning.

Left untreated, these adolescents are at a particularity high risk for academic failure, alcohol and drug abuse, risky behaviors, and suicidality. Suicide continues to be in the top three causes of death among adolescents.

By the time our children reach their teen years, parents have a good idea of who they are, what they are good at, and where they are vulnerable. Some moodiness during adolescence can be expected, but marked personality changes should alert parents of possible problems. Changes in their ability to take pleasure in activities, inability to sleep, decreased or extremely heightened energy levels, and rage inappropriate to the stimulus may all be signs of depression. And of course signs of failure in their own world, such as withdrawal from peer group activities, absenteeism, and behavior problems are all red flags that should not be overlooked.

A little bit of health with your mental health!

2009-09-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of parents have concerns over H1N1 and the flu season this year, and it certainly seems like plenty of Bayside families have already been affected. Here are some tips from the New York Times:

September 8, 2009

Preparing for a Stressful Flu Season

By TARA PARKER-POPE

A few weekends ago, a mother I know called to ask about swine flu after her daughter complained of breathing trouble and other worrisome symptoms. Fortunately, my friend quickly reached her pediatrician, who reassured her about the child’s condition.

But the conversation made me realize just how stressful this flu season is going to be for parents. Every sniffle and every cough is going to be scrutinized, awakening fears of the ominously named swine flu virus. How do you know when to relax? How do you know when to call the doctor?

Here are some answers to questions that will arise during what experts predict will be a very busy flu season:

How worried should we be?

When this new strain of H1N1 influenza emerged last spring, experts feared that it might follow the pattern of the 1918 flu, the world’s deadliest epidemic. That strain also showed up as a relatively mild spring virus but re-emerged in a more virulent form in the fall.

The new strain of H1N1 is not following that pattern. While it has accounted for about 90 percent of the flu virus circulating in the Southern Hemisphere, the strain is behaving a lot like seasonal flu, said Dr. Neil O. Fishman, an infectious-disease specialist at the University of Pennsylvania.

“There is a sigh of relief that the virus hasn’t mutated,” Dr. Fishman told me. “Fortunately, the swine flu that we’re seeing still is a moderate disease that is behaving very much like ordinary seasonal influenza.”

That said, Dr. Fishman noted that the virus was unpredictable and could still mutate. So people need to be vigilant about washing their hands, and if they develop symptoms they need to stay home.

And “ordinary” flu is not to be taken lightly. Each year in the United States, about 200,000 people are hospitalized with severe flu symptoms, and 36,000 die.

Are children at higher risk for swine flu?

A main difference between swine flu and seasonal flu is that people over 60 appear to have some immunity to swine flu, while younger people seem not to. And because children and young adults are more likely to gather in groups — at school and colleges — they are more vulnerable to catching all types of flu. So while the disease does not appear to be more severe than seasonal flu, a disproportionate number of young people will probably get it.

As with seasonal flu, some people will get very sick and some of them will die. Federal health officials report that at least 36 children in the United States have died of swine flu; most had nervous system disorders like cerebral palsy or developmental delays. Some, however, had been healthy; they died of bacterial infections that set in after the flu. Doctors speculate that children with nerve and muscle disorders can’t cough hard enough to clear the airways, putting them at higher risk for complications.

Each year seasonal flu kills 50 to 100 children, and it’s too soon to know whether swine flu will turn out to be more deadly. Up to 40 percent of children contract regular seasonal flu, said Dr. Nathan Litman, director of pediatric infectious diseases at the Children’s Hospital at Montefiore in New York City, who added, “We almost expect that as soon as school is open we’ll start seeing increased numbers.”

When will the swine flu vaccine be available? Will there be enough to go around?

The federal government has ordered 195 million doses of vaccine. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends it for health care workers, children and young adults ages 6 months to 24 years, pregnant women and people caring for an infant younger than 6 months.

While there will be enough vaccine to cover the recommended groups, the timing will vary. The vaccine is undergoing clinical trials, and the first 40 million doses or so should be available by Oct. 15. Thirty million more will be delivered by the end of October, and new batches each week after that.

The vaccine may require a second dose three weeks after the first, and it may take another two weeks for the body to build up full immunity, the C.D.C. says. That means those who receive flu shots in mid-October won’t be fully protected until late November.

How do I get a swine flu shot?

The government will distribute the vaccine through state health departments, which will send it to local health departments and doctors’ offices. Check with your family doctor to find out when it will be available.

What about the severe complications that followed the last swine flu shots, given in 1976?

In 1976, a swine flu vaccine was associated with Guillain-Barré syndrome (pronounced ghee-YAN bah-RAY), in which the body damages its own nerve cells, causing weakness and sometimes paralysis. The reasons are unclear; some studies found no link. Another study suggested that one person in every one million vaccinated for seasonal flu might be at risk for Guillain-Barré.

In 1976, however, techniques for rapidly making vaccine were much less sophisticated than they are now. And Dr. Fishman noted that existing flu vaccines contain components of the H1N1 virus, so “I do not consider this a new vaccine — the vaccine is being made the same way that every influenza vaccine is made.”

What are the symptoms of swine flu? When does it become an emergency?

In children, the warning signs include fast or troubled breathing, bluish or gray skin, and persistent or severe vomiting. If a child isn’t drinking enough fluids, is unusually hard to wake up, is not interacting or is so irritable that he or she doesn’t want to be held, you should call your doctor.

Adults with severe symptoms may also complain about pain or pressure in the chest or abdomen, sudden dizziness and confusion.

Children with underlying neurological problems should be quickly seen by a doctor if they run a fever. In otherwise healthy children, the main warning sign is that the child seems to feel better, then appears to relapse with a high fever. This signals a bacterial infection that must be treated with antibiotics. Even though such infections are seldom severe, the child should be seen by a pediatrician as quickly as possible.

Should I bother getting a seasonal flu shot?

Yes. Seasonal flu is as much of a concern as it has always been. Given that swine flu shots won’t be available until late in the season, a regular shot will protect you and your family from the body aches, cough and misery of seasonal flu, and allow you to cross one worry from your list.

Join the discussion at nytimes.com/well.

As heard/seen on NPR:

2009-08-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

I thought some of you may enjoy this:

Mom, Dad, You're Driving Me Crazy!
by Richard Weissbourd

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111895028&sc=fb&cc=fp

When my son was 15, I grounded him for violating his curfew. He moped around the house, silent but clearly furious. "If you're angry at me," I said, "let's talk about it."

"Dad," he grumbled, "I really don't want to talk about it. Stop trying to be my therapist."

My wife and I are parents of the psycho-therapeutic age. We are the generation that talks more about our feelings — and about our children's feelings — than any generation of parents in the history of humankind.

But are we going too far?

Walk onto almost any playground in middle and upper class communities and you hear some parents repeatedly asking about their children's feelings and noting their moods. "That must be frustrating for you." "Does that make you sad?" "You must be feeling tired."

This constant monitoring is irritating and intrusive. It's like pulling a bandage off a wound every five minutes to see if it's healing, or pulling a plant up every few minutes to see if it's growing.
And it can cause kids to get too wrapped up in their feelings. Each passing emotion takes on too much importance. Sometimes we also treat a child's feeling as if it is on trial for its life. We worry one betrayal will break our child's trust. Or that being excluded by a clique will crush our child's self-esteem. Yet children are far more resilient than that, and when we treat them as fragile it can undermine their confidence.

Often when we try hard to get teens especially to talk about their emotions we only drive them deeper into their shells. Try naming a teen movie in which the parents actually succeed in drawing their teens' feelings out.
Still, trying to help kids talk about their feelings is clearly important: bottling up or disconnecting from feelings such as anger, shame and sadness is a significant mental health risk. Knowing and being able to express them is a key to healthy relationships. As parents it is part of our job to help our children navigate and articulate their emotions.
But just as important, we need to recognize when to back off and let our kids' feelings un-spool. When we press kids to name or talk about their emotions, we can deprive them both of the richness of their feelings and of their ability to work them through on their own.

Before forgiving me for grounding him, then, my son may need to savor how stupid I am. He may need to rail against the injustice of the world. For a toddler or a teenager to manage difficult emotions, they may need to first have these feelings deeply and on their own terms. We tend these days to fill our kids' lives with too many organized activities. Let's not over-orchestrate their inner lives as well.

Richard Weissbourd is a lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. His newest book is The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development.

A quick back to school post

2009-08-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

I am busy trying to get things in order, but since I am struggling with getting back into the early morning routine myself, I thought I would share some information from Psychology Today regarding teens and sleep! New posts will come as the school year gets underway. See below:

Published on Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Teens Need Their Zzz's

Sleeping until noon and general grumpiness may be a stereotype of teenagers, but since mood disorders tend to begin in the teen years it is important that sleep problems in adolescents not be summarily dismissed. Poor sleep not only has a powerful impact on daytime cognitive and social functioning, but it could also lead to major psychiatric disorders. Depression in teens may be preceded by either insomnia or its opposite, oversleeping (hypersomnia). Also, teens rarely keep to a standard routine, last-minute homework, classes beginning at 8 a.m., and late nights out with friends can severely throw off their sleep schedule. In the long run, that takes its toll.

Here's how you and your kids can set up a healthy sleep schedule.

Set up a solid routine. Organize your schedule so you can go to sleep and wake up around the same time each day. Such scheduling will train your body to sleep when you need it to and wake feeling rested.
No naps. Even if you had a lousy night's sleep, don't nap during the day. Daytime napping will only make it harder for you to fall asleep at night. If you must nap, push back your bedtime by an equivalent amount of time.
Dump distractions. The bedroom should be for sleep, so put the television, computer, and radio in the living room. Keeping them in your room will only distract you from the task of sleeping.
Get out of bed. If you find yourself having difficulty falling asleep, don't stay in bed staring at the clock. Instead, move to another room and read a book until you feel sleepy again. Then, return to your bedroom to fall asleep.
Make a list. If anxiety about everything you need to get done is keeping you up, write a list of your undone tasks, so you can put them aside mentally.
Skip the caffeine and alcohol. Coffee may wake you up and a glass of wine before bed will help you doze off, but neither beverage allows your body to wake or fall asleep naturally, resulting in difficulty sleeping or waking without them.
Exercise. A good workout can help the body sleep through the night and feel more rested and energetic during the day.
Think positively. Michael Perlis, a leading sleep researcher at the University of Rochester, suggests looking at short-term insomnia as a solution instead of a problem: "It's more time to get done what you need to get done."

Author:

Karen Barrow

Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/23785

AAIS Conference

2009-05-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time believing it has been nearly two months since Bayside hosted the Alabama Association of Independent Schools Conference. I have an even harder time believing that my presentation on Popular Media and its effects on Teens and Tweens was so well attended! Since people keep asking me to view it (and I finally had an extra second of time on my hands), I am finally making it available here. If you are interested in having me present this at your parent/church/work or other group, I am available locally by honorarium!

2009-05-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

It seems this is life around Bayside as of late:

And I am not shocked in the least; I think the students have had summer on the brain since before Spring Break! But before unleashing our students on to the unsuspecting world, I wanted to remind everyone to have fun and be safe over the break. Inevitably, part of your child's summer will be spent as a coach potato (or a computer desk chair potato), and so I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite resource finds from this past year:

I am already looking forward to next school year, because thanks to funds from the Parent's Association and training + funds from The Jennifer Claire Moore Foundation the counselor's office will be able to expand and start new programs. I am looking forward to receiving feedback from parents, students, and faculty on what you believe the most pressing issues are for the Bayside family. Be sure to comment here or email me (ahembree@baysideacademy.org) and let me know. I will still be around either here or occasionally on campus over the summer, so please keep in contact!

Thanks for a fabulous first year!
-Amanda

Breaking the Cycle

2009-05-11T07:11:00.000-07:00

As the school year winds down, I find that there is the tendency for "flare ups" among students who have unresolved issues with one another. Perhaps it is the stress of exam time or the anxiety of change looming, but whatever the cause, students are finding their way to my office in droves.

One of the main issues bringing students into my office is bullying, and while I can hope that some students will have a "magical summer" and mature out of this stage, two recent articles I have read tend to stop my hear momentarily.

The first article in the New York Times speaks of bullying in the workplace, especially by women to other women. The article mentions that researchers "found that some women may sabotage one another because they feel that helping their female co-workers could jeopardize their own careers." I have found this self-interest fueled sabotaging occurring in young female students, and worry that the cycle could continue well into their adult lives.

Another article from Medscape/WebMD explores the potential for bullied kids to become psychotic preteens. Here I read that "Investigators...found the risk for psychotic symptoms nearly doubled among children who were victims of bullying at age 8 or 10 years, independent of other psychiatric illness, family adversity, or the child's IQ, and increased nearly 4-fold when victimization was chronic or severe."

While I can address the issue of bullying as I witness it (or in Character Education,or through the Peer Counselors), there is only so much I can do, and most of it is reactive. Parents, however, can take the most proactive role in raising happy, healthy, non bullying kids! Here are a few tips and resources on how to promote having a child with character:

Be a good role model (AT ALL TIMES). Your children are watching and copying what you do, so make sure the images they are seeing are ones you want them to copy!
Turn off the violence! TV, movies, video games, etc. often promote and glorify violence. Your children internalize this as being "OK" and then copy it in the form of bullying.
Stress family time and family values. If your children know there are high expectations to be met and consequences for not meeting them, they will most likely strive to please you. Be clear on what your family values are and use every opportunity to discuss and promote them.
Educate yourself on what your child is doing so you can be proactive in dealing with things that may come up in their lives.

Some resources on how to handle bullying are listed below:

And finally, a quick note to inform you that Officer Shane Nolte from the Fairhope Police Department will be giving an informative talk on the risks of social networking at 6:30 PM on Monday. May 18th at Fairhope United Methodist Church. I urge all parents to attend with their children!

Full Bloom

2009-04-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Day two of my bootless existence led me out of the office and onto campus. Besides being giddy at the thought of being back in "regular" footwear, I took a moment to enjoy all the wonders filling the Bayside campus. I am truly hard pressed to imagine a more idyllic setting for learning, and many faculty members agree, judging by the amount of students learning on the Bluff. But the flowers aren't the only thing blooming here on campus. With AP Exams starting next week and SAT testing going on this week, anxiety is mixing in with the pollen in the air! For tips on soothing stress during exam time, I refer you back to this post.

Excitement is also mixing with the pollen, as the Seniors prepare to say hello to their futures and goodbye to their Bayside family. Many parents, however, are feeling trepidation over excitement; especially those facing their first/only child's college send off.

Change is always a difficult thing, and the transition from parenting a teen to parenting a young adult can be very difficult. If you have been a "helicopter parent", this transition can be even more trying. While your child may see leaving the nest as a big step towards independence, you might view it as losing them. While stereotypes often portray the mother falling apart when her "baby" grows up, it is often the father and siblings left behind that are effected the most by a child leaving for college. It is important for all family members to accept that their family system is changing, and each person will have to adjust to their new roles.

Use the last summer before your child leaves for college as a transitional try-out, knowing that in a couple of months you will have a young adult instead of a teenager. Soon enough, your child will be making their own decisions, you won't be waiting to see if they meet their curfew, they'll be picking their own classes/majors/life plans. Beware of turning your house into a battlegound before your child leaves! Establish house rules regarding curfews, having friends over, etc. and be clear about them so you don't add to any chaos during this "last summer". Use this as a jumping off point for creating ground rules for your child as they do leave the nest. Consider the following: How much do you want them to call? When do you want to visit? What's going to happen with finances? What's going to happen when they come home? Expectations will change for both parties, and it is important to recognize and accept that.

Technology will play a big role in helping you keep in touch with your college bound student, so also use the summer to learn how to use email, webcams, digital camera, Facebook, texting and so on before your child leaves (because they know how to use all these things better than you). The more new ways you can find to stay involved in each other's lives, the better. Don't stop communicating just because a child has left for college!

Spring Has Sprung...

2009-04-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

And boy has it been busy around here! In fact, the Peer Counselors and I are off to help volunteer at the Eastern Shore Toyota Golf Tournament to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation! In other news, a big big BIG THANK YOU to the Jennifer Claire Moore Foundation for their grant to the Peer Counseling program for the next school year. It will make a huge difference in the quality of services we can provide!

I am leaving you with an article from Rutgers on Sleep Problems and ADHD:

From Reuters Health Information

Sleep Problems Common in Children With ADHD

[CLIN] - Sleep problems common in children with ADHD
Last Updated: 2009-03-26 12:39:42 -0400 (Reuters Health)

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Nonmedicated children with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) often have sleep disturbances characterized by difficulty falling asleep and short duration of sleep and of REM sleep, Canadian investigators have found.

"Clinicians have reported sleep problems in an estimated 25 to 50% of children with ADHD, and treatment of sleep problems has been shown to improve behavior and decrease the need for stimulant medication in children with ADHD," lead author Dr. Reut Gruber at McGill University told Reuters Health.

"My work is geared toward exploring new avenues of examination to help understand the basic mechanisms associated with ADHD, optimizing treatment, and minimizing unnecessary use of medication," she added.

To compare sleep architecture in children with and without ADHD, the researchers conducted standard overnight multichannel polysomnography evaluations performed at each child's home using a portable polysomnography device. The 15 children with ADHD and 23 normal controls (ages 7 to 11 years) were not taking medications and had not consumed caffeine for at least a week prior to the test.

According to results published in the March 1 issue of Sleep, those with ADHD averaged significantly reduced total sleep time (499 min) compared with the control group (533 min), reduced REM sleep (84 min vs 100 min), and a smaller percentage of REM sleep out of total sleep tie (17% vs 19%).

Parental questionnaire responses indicated significantly more problems with sleep onset delay, sleep anxiety, and insufficient sleep as indicated by daytime sleepiness.
These findings point to a "delayed endogenous circadian pacemaker" in children with ADHD, Dr. Gruber's team maintains.

Currently, Dr. Gruber is evaluating the benefits of light therapy or sleep extension for children with ADHD.

"Over the next 5 years," she continued, "I plan to study the mechanisms underlying the interplay between sleep, behavior and attention in children with ADHD, and to develop sleep-based therapeutic interventions for ADHD."

To that end, she has "obtained specialized equipment for measuring sleep and activity in the child's natural environment, instruments for measuring circadian parameters, as well as specialized software to measure neurobehavioral processes, neurophysiological functioning and to integrate observational and physiological methods."

Until such research is completed, she strongly advises physicians "to assess sleep and signs of daytime fatigue in children with ADHD. If this is the case, depending on the clinical picture, a thorough investigation should be made and recommendations should be tailored to each individual child."

Sleep 2009;32:343-350.

Not a Slumdog, not a millionaire

2009-03-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

A little video from Slate V I wanted to share:

Bridging the Gap

2009-03-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

"You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious."
-Rodney Carrington

If you are feeling as though the gap between you and your child is growing wider with each passing moment, you are not alone. Since being on forced desk duty since breaking my foot, I have felt more than little out of the loop, frightened that this month in my office has caused me to lose all connection I had with the students!

I often have parents wonder how they can be closer to their children without (and that is the key word) smothering them. It seems that children are pushing their parents away at an earlier and earlier age. And no wonder, considering how much independence they are given!

Here are some easy (and cheap) ways to connect or reconnect with your children:

Make everyday moments matter: Instead of letting your child tune you out with his iPod or returning calls while ferrying them around, use the time you spend in the car with them as "connection" time, not "task" time. While you may have 1001 things to do before 9am, knowing what your child is up to is far more important. Also, don't take "nothing" or "fine" as complete answers. Another option is to take a 30 minute walk together. This forces together time and sneaks in a healthy habit as you get to know your child.
Watch your words: The quote above seemed very appropriate. I am often astounded at the way children speak to each other, their teachers, and their parents. But I am less shocked after listening to what they are hearing! Ensure you are modeling good behavior including clamping down on sarcasm and put downs. Try to speak respectful and cordially even when upset or not getting the same in return. The emotional damage that can occur from verbal assaults can have a lasting and devastating effect on your children. The calmer you are when you speak to your children, the more likely they will be to come to you with problems, but you will often have to be the one to open the lines of communication.
Reach out and touch: The effect of human touch is profound, children are not able to thrive without it. Touch sends a powerful message of closeness and connection without having to say anything. Seize every opportunity to hug your child, squeeze them on the shoulder, or give them a peck on the cheek. Some words of caution with teens: you have to respect their space and reputation, if you try to touch them with friends around, they will most likely rebuff you. Wait to you are alone, or find affection alternatives.
Slow it down: It is no small thing that children are overbooked with school, activities, sports, play dates, church and so on. There has never been a better time to push the pause button on you and your children's' lives in order to evaluate what is most important to you. This may take a little soul searching on your part, but it will be well worth it. Also, in slowing things down, you will observe many moments you will cherish that you would have missed in the non-stop schedule of before. Take time to play with your children with a game night. Camp out in the backyard, have a picnic in the living room. Teach your child something you learned as a child (like hula hooping or skating).
Date night or day: If you have more than one child, it is important to set aside a time one on one with each child, even if it is as simple as letting the oldest go to bed a little later one night a week to sit on the couch with you and chat. You don't have to go all out on these "dates", remember they are about reconnecting, not buying love! Also, don't forget to set aside time to spend with your partner, as you two need alone time just as much.
Lend a helping hand: A family is strengthened when each member knows that the other has their back. Enlist your children's help in household chores, and help them with school projects or studying. Another family strengthener is to do good together through volunteer work.
Gather round: One of "easiest" ways to connect with your children is to have the family sit down to eat at the same time. This is often difficult due to full schedules and working parents, but it strengthens bonds quickly. A family that eats together grows great children! Studies have shown that families that eat together have children that eat better, get into less trouble, and get better grades.

Sources: Associated Content http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/591709/5_ways_to_get_closer_to_your_child_pg2.html?cat=25
Parents Magazine http://www.parents.com/teens-tweens/communication/talking-to-kids/get-closer-to-teens/?page=3
Women's Day Magazine http://www.womansday.com/Content/Family-Lifestyle/12-Ways-to-Bring-Your-Family-Closer

Teen Girls and Depression

2009-03-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

Another great article from Psychology Today, and I promise some original blogging to come soon:

Teen Angst Turns Deadly

Why girls are killing themselves

By: Eilene Zimmer

Middle school years have never been easy ones for kids, but girls today are having a particularly tough time. The suicide rate for girls ages 10 to 14 increased a whopping 76 percent in 2004, according to the latest numbers available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. For those between 15 and 18, the rate went up more than 30 percent.

Alan Berman, a psychologist and director of the American Association of Suicidology in Washington D.C., says although the increase is worrisome, it could be just a random fluctuation. But child and adolescent psychologists report that the prevalence of self-harming behaviors—like cutting and burning—is also rising.

Steve Hinshaw, a clinical and developmental psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, believes a combination of cultural and parental pressures is to blame. His book, The Triple Bind: Saving Our Teenage Girls from Today's Pressures, argues that girls today are subjected to unrealistic pressures from society and the media, and their once-private identity struggles are now public, thanks to the Internet. Girls are still socialized to be nurturing caregivers but are now pressured to excel academically and athletically as much as boys—all while remaining thin, sexy, and beautiful.

Female role models, Hinshaw says, are "ultra-sexy, ultra-feminized women, like the female surgeons on Grey's Anatomy or swimsuit-modeling tennis players" like Ana Ivanovic. Long gone are the days when girls revered women like Dorothy Hamill, Joan Baez, or Gloria Steinem. Now every preteen aspires to be Gabriella Montez, the lead female character in Disney's High School Musical franchise, who is not only sexy but a Broadway-caliber dancer and singer and a soon-to-be freshman at Stanford.

Girls feeling pressure to achieve often go frenetically from one activity to the next, leaving little time to develop coping skills, laments Alec Miller, chief of child and adolescent psychology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York. "They don't have unstructured time to just hang out with friends," he says. "Yet this is when kids learn how to tolerate frustration, regulate emotions, and solve problems."

They also lack the privacy needed to work through the emotional struggles of adolescence because of cell phones, instant messaging, and social networking sites. "Let's say things aren't going well in middle or high school and you email someone about it," Hinshaw says. "Soon it's all over everyone else's email, text messages, MySpace, Facebook. Everyone knows what's going on in your life and they're all talking about it. You can't escape it." —Eilene Zimmerman

Parental Control

What can parents do about the increasing pressures on young girls? Miller advises cutting down extracurricular activities and turning off the computer and cell phone so kids have time just being with themselves: "They should not be continuously connected, because they need time with their own thoughts." Hinshaw says the answer may be in getting middle-schoolers to think about something other than themselves, like ecology, politics, or community service: "They need a connection to something deeper than themselves, their friends, and their appearance."

Psychology Today Magazine, Jan/Feb 2009
Last Reviewed 23 Feb 2009
Article ID: 4759

Welcome Back!

2009-03-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a safe, happy, and healthy Mardi Gras break! I know I needed the time off, though a lot of that need came from the breaking of my foot while falling down the stairs at my home (perhaps I need to blog about home safety?). While trying to get back on top of everything, I decided to share this article with you from Psychology Today:

The Wonder Years: A Parent's Toolkit
Tips on surviving the teen years—no, really.

By: Lybi Ma

There are a few things every parent needs to know. Hopefully your teen has figured out that he needs to floss, eat veggies, move his legs, sleep, sleep, and more sleep. But aside from the virtual givens, there are a few well-researched musts that can help you manage the teen years. For example: Stop hovering over your teen, do promote healthy make believe, and touch to connect. Some of you may not believe it, but you can influence your child's outcome to a good degree. And here are a few ways to get there:

Tabula Rasa?

Experts are finding that parents appear to have little effect on how their children turn out, that is of course after genes are accounted for. That's right: Genes influence our personalities more than we know. Some kids are just born cheery, and some are born moody. Don't get the idea wrong, as parents do matter. They matter in the way they enhance a child's environment; one that will fit a particular child's genes. One size does not fit all. Then there are also thinkers like Judith Rich Harris who believe that group socialization is the force to be reckoned with. In other words, your child's peers have way more sway.

Touch to Connect

Don't ever try to kiss your teen in public. You'll be sorry. When he was 16, my son walked with me down to the corner store. As soon as he saw a group of girls he knew, he sped up. His long legs carried him ahead of me. A peck on the cheek was off limits at that moment. But truthfully, a teen needs his hugs and kisses. He called me right after by cell phone and said he had to hurry: "I'll see you at home. And Mom, I love you." Kids are not stupid, they know that the familiar calms and soothes. In fact, being near a loved one triggers the release of oxytocin, the hormone that induces attachment and contentment.

Gift of Gab

Let your kids talk—and talk about tough topics. A child who shares his feelings about sadness and anger will more likely become resilient. In their study, researchers from Emory University examined conversations among families. The more kids were encouraged to share the more they were likely to have better self-esteem and better social skills—especially when discussing difficult events. Talking about a difficult event, like a death for example, gives kids a chance to hear and be heard. Such an exchange of feelings and viewpoints helps them master negotiation skills, too.

Stop Hovering

In her book, A Nation of Wimps, Hara Estroff Marano shows just how harmful a hovering parent can be. This type of parent tries to smooth the child's ride, so much so that the kid becomes wholly fragile. Now the teen does not know how to manage life and its adversities. What's more: This invasive parent wants to turn her child into a trophy, which pushes the kid to strive for perfection—and there's nothing good about perfection. Instead of being lead by their passions, they are just fearful of making mistakes.

Green Acres

Trees and shrubs and bushes and flowers do more than help your kids smell the roses. Greenery, in effect, means less obesity. A study in The Journal of Preventive Medicine shows that among 3,800 inner city children, those who lived in neighborhoods that had more green space enjoyed lower risk of obesity. This is regardless of age, race, or sex. Greenery reduces pollution, decreases the heat index, heightens aesthetics, and encourages physical activity. Another study from Cornell University showed that even houseplants have a stress-busting effect as well.

Make Believe

When you think of school curriculums, does your mind wander to tests, curves, and medians? What happened to free thought and plain old curiosity? Experts, such as those at the National Institute of Play, have found that a child who is cooped up in a classroom memorizing words on a chalkboard will be woefully unprepared. We are designed to play, run, chase, and discover. That's how we come up with creative solutions to difficult problems—yes, even us adults. And, of course, that's how we learn to think for ourselves.

Toast Your Child

We all know that beer pong as well as other fast-and-furious chugalug games are not going away anytime soon. Addiction expert and Psychology Today blogger Stanton Peele has a lot to say about drinking—especially drinking among young people. Teen binge drinking is a fact. Peele notes that 90 percent of young people drink by age 21 and that the typical youthful drinking style is bingeing; also half of 21-year-olds and a third of 18-year-olds binge at least monthly. Peele suggests that we teach our kids how to drink, and how to drink responsibly.

Model, model, model

2009-02-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things I try to teach my Peer Counselors in training is to model good behavior. I think one of the reasons for this is that most of the behavior they observe is anything but good.

One of my guilty pleasures on the rare occasions that I have some spare time is flipping through the endless channels of "reality" television. I happened across The Real Housewives of (Insert County) recently, and I have to say part of me is fascinated with the portrayal of these women. It got me to thinking about the children a) being raised in these environments and b) children observing and thus modeling such spoiled behavior.

The line between wanting to provide the best for your children and the act of spoiling is sometimes hard to find, especially as it often seems to move! But crossing that line can create children that are manipulative, self-centered, demanding and unreasonable. I firmly believe that no parent would want their children to turn out that way (if you disagree, please come by my office).

Sherry Rauh over at WebMD has put together a list of "10 Ways to Raise a Spoiled Child". Below are the ways, and you can read how to avoid them or reverse potential damage here.

Making your child the center of the world
Ignoring positive behavior
Accidentally rewarding negative behavior
Failing to put clear limits on your child's behavior
Not enforcing rules consistently
Picking fights you can't win
Not holding your child accountable
Giving your child gifts for the wrong reasons
Giving in to temper tantrums
Acting like a spoiled child yourself

Realizing that children don't come with manuals (neither do parents as I tell my students), I am considering offering Active Parenting groups here at Bayside. If you are interested, please give me a call or email me!

Letter to Sophmore Parents

2009-01-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

Peer Counselor Program

For those of you I have not had the pleasure meeting, I would like to introduce myself. I'm Amanda Hembree, Bayside Academy's Counselor and Peer Counselor Coordinator. I counsel all students from Pre-School to High School, who may need help with certain problems in their lives. As a parent, I'm sure you are aware of some of the problems of today's youth. Sadly to say, it's just not easy to be a child anymore!

Today's youth struggle with more emotions, dramatic conflicts, and increasing responsibility for their own lives. They often display low self-esteem and poor communication skills. Children are uncertain about appropriate values, and feel more peer pressure to do harmful actions, like drink alcohol, and/or take drugs. Because of these problems, there are necessary programs needed in today's education systems that help prepare children for today's society. One national program that has made a difference in helping school's resolve these problems, is a program called Peers @ Work.

This program is an academic class, taught to selected students who are interested in helping themselves and others. These special students are called "Peer Helpers", or "Peer Counselors", both titles are used nation wide. There are many benefits of having Peer Counselors at Bayside Academy. For instance, research has shown that peers have a great influence over another peer's life. Therefore, this influence is what allows a Peer Counselor program to be very successful. Peer Counselor's primary goals are to assist students with academic, personal, and social needs. Peer Counselors become the school's role models.

All Sophomore student's interested in the Peer Counselor program will go through a selection process. First, the interested student must complete an application. The application requests a brief description of the student's activities, an essay on why they want to be a Peer Counselor, and asks the student to select two teachers of whom they want to complete a student evaluation form. Upon completion of the application process, the student will participate in a brief interview, in which they will answer questions regarding their desire to become a Peer Counselor. Based on the completion of the required steps, a committee comprised of Tom Johnson, William Carroll, and myself, will choose whom we feel will be the most effective Peer Counselors at Bayside Academy.

After the selection process is completed, the selected students will take the Peer Counselor course in both semesters of their Junior year. The students will then implement their learned skills during their Senior year, as the school's Peer Counselors. Peer Counselors are exclusively Seniors, and will be available to help all of Bayside Academy's student body, even the little ones.

Those selected as Peer Counselors will be appropriately trained on how to help students suffering from such problems as: drug and alcohol abuse (oneself or a family member), eating disorders, depression, peer pressure, coping with a loss of a family member, medical illness (oneself or a family member), struggling academically in one or several subjects, relationship problems (friends or family), ethical dilemmas, peer conflicts, and several other topics as well.

Through learning how to handle some of today's realistic problems facing their peers, Peer Counselors will have an extra advantage on other students. In helping other's resolve their problems, Peer Counselors will learn skills that allow them to effectively manage their loves as well. Peer Counselors will learn life long skills that will guide them into adulthood. They will learn such skills as: empathy, integrity, communication skills, facilitating classroom discussions and/or group discussions.

The Peer Counselor course is a credited course, which students will receive credits throughout their Junior and Senior year. Because of the national regard of the Peers @ Work program, colleges and universities will be delighted to see this on any child's admission forms. If you have any questions, or concerns regarding the course, please contact me at (251) 338-6432 or ahembree@baysideacademy.org

Sincerely,
Amanda L. Hembree, MS LPC NCC
Bayside Academy Counselor and Peer Counselor Coordinator

"It's 10PM. Do you know where your children are?"

2009-01-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

Back in a more innocent time, this public service announcement was broadcast throughout America’s living rooms on a nightly basis. While it is still a good question to ask even today, a more pressing question is “It’s anytime, do you know what your child is doing online?”

Technology is everywhere, and while it has done so much good in the world, there are also just as many (if not more) downsides. How many times have you joked about technology making your life “easier”? In many ways it has, but it also has given children and adolescents access to information well beyond their maturity level and emotional capabilities. You might not be able to be everywhere at all times, but with your child and his laptop/cell phone they can be!

The very idea that a minor can be everywhere always is pretty frightening and overwhelming, but there are some simple things parents can do to help minimize any potential damage:

Education: You have to know about the things and ways children are accessing the web. Know if your child’s cell phone is internet capable (and remove the service at the provider level if you don’t want them to be able to use it). Know if they are on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Livejournal, Second Life, etc. For a list of major active social networking sites, click here. Know how to use those sites if your child is on them.
Communication: Talk to your children openly, honestly, and often about how much time they are spend online and where they are going while they are there. Sit down with your child and review his/her page(s) and those of their friends. Discuss any questionable or problematic content immediately. Keep in mind that children and adolescents tend to be very trusting and open up easily online. Often times, they do not understand that something they post online is there for the entire world to see and future colleges, employers etc. may be looking into their “internet personality”. Talk to other parents to see if they are monitoring their child online (that old adage about safety in numbers is true).
Prevention: Come up with ground rules for internet usage. Keep the computers out in the open, by merely being able to see what is going on you can prevent a lot of nefarious activities. Avoid webcams, especially if the computer is kept behind close doors (this avoids the temptation to easily post pictures they may regret deeply later in life). Fill up your computer with the latest internet security tools and make sure you keep up to date on virus software.

Some websites I have found to be useful:
NetSmartz
WiredSafety
ProtectKids

Feel free to contact me at anytime if you want to talk more about parenting and internet safety!
Best,
Amanda

The Best Way to Reduce Holiday Stress

2008-12-18T08:59:00.000-08:00

I woke well before the alarm this morning, full of holiday joy and terror. The joy was over the impending break, the contagious excitement of the students, and an early morning viewing of Elf (how can Buddy the Elf not cheer you up?). The terror...well I don't have to tell any of you where stress comes from during the holidays.

I think the very best way to combat this stress is to REMEMBER TO BREATHE!

But if that isn't enough for you, here are the top ten relaxation tips for reducing holiday stress from the kind people over at selfguided.com:

Create realistic expectations -- don't try to make this the perfect holiday.
Learn to say "no" to extra obligations that might stress you out.
Take short relaxation breaks to let go of tension.
Get involved in a volunteer activity where you help others.
Tap into your natural creativity and create a hand-made gift.
Eat and drink sensibly, and get plenty of exercise and sleep.
Practice being a peacemaker if family squabbles erupt.
Balance your spending of time and money to improve your quality of life.
Create a new holiday tradition that builds connections among your family and friends.
Reflect on the deeper meaning and spirit of the holidays for you personally, for your family, and for humanity and the world.

If you are doing some last minute online shopping and would like to browse some more tips, Suite 101 has 65 ways to reduce holiday stress.

I look forward to seeing you at Christmas Together tomorrow and I wish you all a happy, healthy, and stress-free break!

Talking it Out

2008-12-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

It is important to establish and maintain good communication with your child. Building a close relationship with your child when they are young will make it easier for them to come to you with problems when they are older. Get into the habit of talking to you child everyday, about the good and the bad. Communication is vital at all times, but especially in times of crisis. While your gut instinct may be to protect your child from the evils of the world, the best thing you can do is listen and hear them out. The Youth Suicide Prevention Program has put together a few guidelines, which you can print out for yourself here:

Without judgment, comment on the verbal and/or non-verbal behavior that you are concerned about: “I’ve noticed that you have been looking sad for several days.”
Invite your child to talk about his/her feelings: “Tell me what’s going on.”
Put yourself in your child’s place; respect his/her feelings.
Allow your child to talk more than you do. Avoid interruptions or distractions.
Avoid unkind words that ridicule, shame or label your child: “You get everything you want; what do you have to be depressed about.”
Ask your child one question at a time and then wait for the answer; be comfortable with silence.
Avoid diagnosing and/or giving advice; express concern and offer reassurance. “I’m on your side….we’ll get through this together.”
Share a book, video or game about feelings to help open up the dialogue. Create a color wheel and assign colors to feelings, use a drawing of a thermometer to gauge their feelings, or use a chart with expressions of feelings to check in with them.
Help your child see that there are different ways of resolving his/her feelings. Discuss the options. “You could go and talk with your teacher about the ‘D’ grade that you got on your last exam. Let’s practice how you would talk with your teacher.” or “We could get you a tutor.” or “I could help you study for the next exam.”
Inform your older child about helpful resources that are available in the community, i.e. the school nurse or counselor, a teacher, the family doctor or a church group leader. Communicate with these adults and create a support network by sharing your concerns.
Develop a “plan of action.” What does your child agree to do? What are you committed to doing?” When will the two of you talk again? Do you need to seek professional help?
Communicate love and acceptance of your child’s feelings and acknowledge the courage that it takes to talk about “hard things”. Acknowledge your willingness to talk again.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) also is a great resource for knowing the warning signs and preventing suicide in young people. Click here for more information.

In the wake of a tragedy, it is hard to know what is a “normal reaction” or the “right thing” to say. Most often, just being willing to talk or listen to your child is the thing that is needed the most. The Mayo Clinic has some helpful information on healing after a loved one’s suicide, including the physical and emotional aftereffects. Read more from them here.

It’s the most wonderful stressful time of the year…

2008-12-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving behind us, a definite chill in the air, and the anxious faces of book-laden students streaming from the Upper School, I can only assume that two things are right around the corner: exams and Christmas!

First, since I am concerned that a child might permanently pull something carrying around their overstuffed backpacks, I am going to tackle the subject of exam stress. A post about general holiday stress for parents will follow shortly.

As the first semester of the 2008-09 school year draws to a close, students are busy studying for exams. Some appear more frazzled than others, and I have to wonder how some students appear so nonchalant.

A quick and unofficial poll revealed that the calmest of students are the ones that have bigger fish to fry. Namely the Seniors, who are more worried about their college acceptance letters that their blasé high-school exams. Collected students in other grades admit they might be a little stressed out, but are trying to not worry too much about it, stating “if I don’t know it by now, I’m not ever going to know it”. These are the students that have been studying all along using a plan and some time management skills since the beginning of the school year (if not longer).

For those students feeling the pressure a little more than they can handle, there is still time (and hope)!

To these students I say:

Don’t procrastinate! While you aren’t out of time, you are cutting it close. Studies have shown if you procrastinate at the end of the semester you are more susceptible to higher stress levels and illnesses.
Prioritize! Ask yourself some questions: Which final comes first? Which paper is the longest/most challenging/first due? For which subject do I need the most study time? Which teacher grades the hardest? Which tests/assignments will make the most difference to my final grades? If you know you have a borderline grade in a class, you should probably study more for that one than the class you are already doing well in.
Create a schedule! A real one that you write down on paper and can stick to. Be realistic about the time you have left to study. Keep in mind when you study best, as some people are early birds and some people are night owls. Study your hardest subjects when you are at your studying best.
Don’t experiment! Now is not the time to try new studying techniques. How you learn best is how you need to study. Think about your classes and what information you remember the most. Do you learn better by hearing, reading, seeing or doing? Use that same method in your studying. Also, use whatever study space has worked for you in the past. Whether it is the library, kitchen table, or sprawled on the couch you should stick to the same place that has worked before.
Ask! It never hurts to ask your teacher for more information about the exam; you never know what information you may get. Know the format of the exam in advance, as you may need to study in different ways for multiple choice or essay formats.

I also give these simple reminders:

Eat right! Garbage in, garbage out as the saying goes. If you remember to make healthy food choices, you will be rewarded with an attentive brain and a happy body.
Buzz off! While caffeine may seem like a gift from above, it really is a temporary fix. That coffee/cola/specialty drink may give you the jolt you need now, but you will crash later. Too much of the stuff can negatively effect your sleep, disrupt your heart rhythms, cause you to feel anxious, and affect your ability to focus (I am throwing away the rest of my can of Coca-Cola now!).
Sweat it out! Physical activity, even in small amounts, can lower your stress level. So get off of Facebook, and do something. Even if it is just a killer game of Wii tennis. Just ten or twenty minutes of exercise can help clear your head enough to cram in all those dates and facts you’ve been neglecting. Not to mention it helps you with my next point…
Catch those Zzzzzzzs! Stress makes you anxious, and anxiety can cause you to not sleep. This never ending cycle is a disaster waiting to happen. Pulling an all-nighter is not going to help you ace your exam. You need sleep more than you need a couple of extra foggy studying hours. Turn in as early as you can, and make sure you give yourself enough time away from the books to relax before you try to go to sleep.
Break-up! No really, every fifty minutes spent studying earns you a ten minute break. But use that time to clear your head. Stretch, meditate, take the dog for a walk, or listen to some music. Don’t give in to the temptations surrounding you in the forms of your computer, cell phone, friends, video games etc.
Get a life! However, still have a life outside of studying. If going to soccer practice helps to keep you calm, then don’t skip it. If you think you will die if you miss One Tree Hill, watch it, but then get back to the books. Downtime is allowed, but don’t use it to procrastinate.

Most importantly, when exams are over and you are free for break, give yourself a little reward, because you earned it (and maybe clean out that backpack before you hurt yourself)!

Welcome to the Bayside Academy Counselor's Blog!

2008-11-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome!

I figured if Clyde could blog without possessing opposable thumbs, than maybe I should utilize some modern technology.

I am guessing there may be some of you out there wondering why I decided to call this little slice of web real estate The Bayside Ballast, and the answer is two-fold. First, all the “easy” names like Counselor’s Corner, or School Counseling Blog were taken. Second, I think the reference to something that improves stability and control very much describes my role as the Counselor here at Bayside Academy.

For those of you wondering just exactly what a School Counselor does or why we even need one (or two or three) here at Bayside, the American School Counselor Association has put together a great fact sheet that you can find here. While this gives a rough outline of what I do, it fails to encompass everything that I encounter day to day.

Since joining the Bayside family at the beginning of the school year, I have been working on how to improve the Counseling Office. I am extremely grateful for the wonderful reception I have received from the faculty, administration, students and parents! The needs of this great campus are somewhat unique, and with that I have worked diligently to elicit as much information as I can from any sources available to me. This will help to ensure that I can provide the services that are needed the most to the students in the most effective ways possible. I cannot do this without your feedback, so please continue to give me your suggestions, comments and concerns. While my "official" office hours mirror the school day, I am always just an email or phone call away!