The Wonder Years: A Parent's Toolkit
Tips on surviving the teen years—no, really.
There are a few things every parent needs to know. Hopefully your teen has figured out that he needs to floss, eat veggies, move his legs, sleep, sleep, and more sleep. But aside from the virtual givens, there are a few well-researched musts that can help you manage the teen years. For example: Stop hovering over your teen, do promote healthy make believe, and touch to connect. Some of you may not believe it, but you can influence your child's outcome to a good degree. And here are a few ways to get there:
Experts are finding that parents appear to have little effect on how their children turn out, that is of course after genes are accounted for. That's right: Genes influence our personalities more than we know. Some kids are just born cheery, and some are born moody. Don't get the idea wrong, as parents do matter. They matter in the way they enhance a child's environment; one that will fit a particular child's genes. One size does not fit all. Then there are also thinkers like Judith Rich Harris who believe that group socialization is the force to be reckoned with. In other words, your child's peers have way more sway.
Don't ever try to kiss your teen in public. You'll be sorry. When he was 16, my son walked with me down to the corner store. As soon as he saw a group of girls he knew, he sped up. His long legs carried him ahead of me. A peck on the cheek was off limits at that moment. But truthfully, a teen needs his hugs and kisses. He called me right after by cell phone and said he had to hurry: "I'll see you at home. And Mom, I love you." Kids are not stupid, they know that the familiar calms and soothes. In fact, being near a loved one triggers the release of oxytocin, the hormone that induces attachment and contentment.
Let your kids talk—and talk about tough topics. A child who shares his feelings about sadness and anger will more likely become resilient. In their study, researchers from Emory University examined conversations among families. The more kids were encouraged to share the more they were likely to have better self-esteem and better social skills—especially when discussing difficult events. Talking about a difficult event, like a death for example, gives kids a chance to hear and be heard. Such an exchange of feelings and viewpoints helps them master negotiation skills, too.
In her book, A Nation of Wimps, Hara Estroff Marano shows just how harmful a hovering parent can be. This type of parent tries to smooth the child's ride, so much so that the kid becomes wholly fragile. Now the teen does not know how to manage life and its adversities. What's more: This invasive parent wants to turn her child into a trophy, which pushes the kid to strive for perfection—and there's nothing good about perfection. Instead of being lead by their passions, they are just fearful of making mistakes.
Trees and shrubs and bushes and flowers do more than help your kids smell the roses. Greenery, in effect, means less obesity. A study in The Journal of Preventive Medicine shows that among 3,800 inner city children, those who lived in neighborhoods that had more green space enjoyed lower risk of obesity. This is regardless of age, race, or sex. Greenery reduces pollution, decreases the heat index, heightens aesthetics, and encourages physical activity. Another study from Cornell University showed that even houseplants have a stress-busting effect as well.
When you think of school curriculums, does your mind wander to tests, curves, and medians? What happened to free thought and plain old curiosity? Experts, such as those at the National Institute of Play, have found that a child who is cooped up in a classroom memorizing words on a chalkboard will be woefully unprepared. We are designed to play, run, chase, and discover. That's how we come up with creative solutions to difficult problems—yes, even us adults. And, of course, that's how we learn to think for ourselves.
We all know that beer pong as well as other fast-and-furious chugalug games are not going away anytime soon. Addiction expert and Psychology Today blogger Stanton Peele has a lot to say about drinking—especially drinking among young people. Teen binge drinking is a fact. Peele notes that 90 percent of young people drink by age 21 and that the typical youthful drinking style is bingeing; also half of 21-year-olds and a third of 18-year-olds binge at least monthly. Peele suggests that we teach our kids how to drink, and how to drink responsibly.
Last Reviewed 9 Feb 2009
Article ID: 4746 Psychology Today © Copyright 1991-2009 Sussex Publishers, LLC
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