Cyberbullying Leads to Death of Teen Girl

Below is a great article from Rachel Simmons regarding Cyberbullying. And while it is aimed at daughters, I urge all parents to read it. I recently put out a few copies of Common Sense Media's Cyberbullying Parent Info sheet in the lower school, but you can access it here. Also, take a look at a family netiquette plan from Media Wise here. And as always, feel free to contact me if you need any more tips, resources, or just want to chat about your student!

How to Talk to Your Daughter About Cyberbullying Now

By Rachel Simmons
From rachelsimmons.com
http://www.rachelsimmons.com/2010/01/how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-cyberbullying-now/

Last week’s suicide of 15 year old Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, MA has communities around the country reeling. Phoebe didn’t just suffer taunts, mean looks and harassment at school. She was cyberbullied: tortured online and by phone.

Phoebe’s death – and an explosion in cyberbullying worldwide – are telegraphing an emergency message to schools and families: we must take action now. Yet the vast majority of schools decline to intervene with real consequences when cyberbullying incidents occur.

Why? Because, school officials say, it’s happening off school grounds. I understand the legal issues involved, but I get really angry when I hear this argument. Schools are terrific at using technology to connect classrooms to the moon via NASA and to students in other countries. Classrooms without borders are swell when they teach – but when students start dehumanizing each other using the very same technology, and it threatens their education and safety at school, well, we can’t go there.

Cyberbullying has intensified the experience of getting bullied by literally shattering the walls between school and home. There is no escape. As Parry Aftab has said, cyberbullying follows you everywhere: home, summer camp, to Grandma’s house.

Which means that kids are being suffocated and overwhelmed by an onslaught of abuse. They are unable to find refuge from the torment. Suicide, for some, may feel like the only way out.
Fact is, it’s not enough to say to a kid, “So don’t go online. Don’t pick up the phone.” Could you follow that advice? I sure couldn’t. Young people are passionate about their reputations. They’re also developmentally unable to understand that anything beyond their personal hell exists.
With a recent study showing that youth spend nearly every waking moment with a device in their hands, I want to share some of my advice to parents on how to talk with your child about cyberbullying and digital citizenship. If you haven’t had this conversation, or one like it, do not pass go. The time is now.

1. Begin with a discussion. Raise the issue by talking about what you’ve heard or read. “It seems like cyberbullying is becoming a big deal lately.” Mention Phoebe’s suicide. Ask your child what she’s seen.

2. Let her know you’re there if she’s in trouble, no matter what – even if she’s partly responsible for a situation. Assure her that you’ll keep a problem between you when you can, and that you’ll be open to discussing it if she doesn’t want you to intervene (never promise that you won’t intervene). Your bottom line: this is a serious issue, and if she’s in trouble, you don’t want her to be alone, no matter what.

3. Ensure her cell phone and computer have screen locks that are password protected.

4. Let her know your policy on cyberbullying. For example: “I want to make sure we’re both clear on some rules around your use of technology. I expect you to conduct yourself online the same way you do in real life. That means making sure you treat people with kindness and respect at all times.”

5. Talk about some examples of what breaking the rules might look like. Use some of what you heard in the opening discussion you had to get specific about what’s not okay. Make sure she understands she is expected to steer clear of the following behaviors: She is expected not to use another person’s cell phone or computer without his/her permission; to circulate embarrassing photographs or video about another person; to forward hurtful or embarrassing messages or media; to use anonymous or unrecognizable screen names to communicate; to use foul or abusive language that could embarrass or hurt others. You may want to create an ethical Internet use contract together.

6. Explain your stance. Don’t just say “no;” explain why. Use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about the values that are important to you and your family: respect, kindness, integrity, and compassion.

7. Let her know technology is a privilege. “Being able to have a phone or computer is no different from being able to drive a car. When you get your license, it’s because you’ve proven you’re mature enough to follow rules and take others into consideration. The same will be true for tech use. If you aren’t mature enough to act with respect, you will lose your access.”

8. Emphasize the positive: “I see you as a person with enormous kindness, integrity and respect for others. I expect you to be that same person when you’re using an electronic device.
It’s never too early to have this conversation. Talk to your kids about cyberbullying, and start talking to school officials about getting involved. South Hadley High School began every day last week with a moment of silence to remember Phoebe. Silence is the last thing we need on this issue. Let’s not let Phoebe die in vain.

9. Encourage empathy. Talk with your kids about what Phoebe may have been feeling when she was being bullied. Many are now identifying with Phoebe in death. By considering her experience before she died, kids can identify with her in life — and reflect on behaviors and situations they have real power to change.

Peer Counseling Guideline Changes

Dear Bayside Parent,

Changes have been made to the Peer Counseling Program! In order to be eligible to sign up for Peer Counseling Essentials (PC IA) for the Fall Semester 2010, your child must fill out an application packet and return it to the School Counselor’s office by the end of the school day on Monday February 8th! Be sure they fill out all parts of the application packet before they turn it in. Applications are available in the School Counseling office.

Also, please keep in mind the following guidelines for enrollment and advancement in the Peer Counseling program at Bayside Academy:

To be enrolled in PC IA (Essentials of Peer Counseling), a student must:
• Have parental permission
• Be a rising Junior
• Must fully complete an application packet including: an essay on why they think they would be a good match for the program and two letters of recommendation from Bayside Faculty/Staff
• Adhere to the National Association of Peer Programs Code of Ethics
• Complete an orientation with the School Counselor and the current PC I students

To be enrolled in PC IB (Advanced Topics in Peer Counseling), a student must:
• Complete PCIA with a grade of at least a “B”
• Complete all assignments fully and on time in PCIA
• Participated in class discussions in PCIA
• Maintained confidentiality of class discussions in PCIA
• Attend 90% of all Monday lunch SADD meetings unless excused by the School Counselor
• Continue to adhere to the Code of Ethics
• Not receive a grade below a “C” in any academic class during Semester I

To be enrolled in Peer Counseling II a student must:
• Be a rising Senior
• Have satisfactorily completed PCIA and PCIB
• Have a GPA of at least 2.5
• Complete a formal interview with the School Counselor assessing personal strengths and weaknesses as related to the duties of Peer Counseling
• Continue to adhere to the Code of Ethics and sign a contract
• Not receive a grade below a “C” in any academic class during the previous semester
• Attend 90% of all Monday lunch SADD meetings unless excused by the School Counselor

Regards,
Amanda L. Hembree, MS
School Counselor and Peer Counselor Coordinatorelor Coordinator

Happy New Year!

OK, I'll admit it, I was late to work this morning! But for good reason, on this literally freezing morning I acquired a flat tire. After calling roadside assistance, we discovered the cold weather had made my spare tire flat and the roadside guy had lent his compressor to his brother. My point to this, other than seriously wondering if my hands are frostbitten, is that we should all take a moment to make sure our vehicles are in good working order (including spare tires) and to make sure you bundle up your children! Safety first, ALWAYS!

On that note, and thinking that Santa may have slipped many an iPhone under many a tree within the past month, Common Sense Media has a great article on setting parental controls on your new favorite tech device.

Speaking of cell phones and safety first, one of Bayside's active families (the Citrins) have teamed up with other members of the community to present Gulf Coast Alive at 25, hosted by the Citrin Safety Foundation. This event will take place on Saturday February 27th at the Daphne Civic Center. Alive at 25 is a highly interactive, four-hour safe driving program for ages 15-24. Thanks to the Citrin Safety Foundation, this program will be offered for FREE and may also help earn your teen discounts on car insurance. The training will teach young adults:

• Why they often underestimate risk
• The effects of inexperience, peer pressure and such distractions as cell phones, texting, MP3 players, and GPS units
• State and local driving laws and regulations
• Communication skills for assertiveness and being a young leader
• Responsibilities of passengers

Common Sense Media also has a new article this week on the dangers of in car electronics you can check out.

Next week, I will be updating you all on the recent activities of the Drug Education Council of Mobile, who will be honoring local students for their Red Ribbon Week projects on Monday and the Community of Concern Leadership Symposium. Until then, be safe and stay warm!

Character Education Girls in 4th, 5th, 6th Grades

Today I held a Character Education Class with the girls in the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades during each classes PE time. As it 'tis the season, we talked about Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali, Kwanzaa, and the Winter Solstice. Most of the conversations centered around Christmas and each of the girl's perceptions of that holiday. Many of them spoke about "things" and "stuff", so we went in-depth on the true meaning of Christmas and the spirit of the season. While I know every family has their own traditions based on their own individual spiritual beliefs, I wanted to touch on the general concepts of goodwill and gratitude. We spoke at length about gratitude and what it means to each of them. We also discussed how each of them can individually show gratitude. We also did a "gratitude" adjustment exercise where each of them wrote nice things on a note card about the others in their small group.

I hope this Character Ed class reminded each of your daughters how lucky they are and the power they have to effect change on another person's life through their choices each day. I also hope that each of you will model gratitude, goodwill, thankfulness, and peace to each of your children not only this holiday season, but each and every day!

I will be tackling the boys and the 3rd grade on Monday!

Let's Talk about S-E-X-ting

I have had a few emails, phone calls and what not since "sexting" has been in the news this week. While I am not putting out an official school or administrative stance on the issues, I did want to send along some information from a Cyberbullying research group (because I am all about data!):

Recently, we’ve received calls and inquiries about “sexting” and the Jesse Logan case, and so I thought we’d discuss the matter here. For those looking for an official definition, we characterize “sexting” as “the sending or receiving of sexually-suggestive or explicit text or pictures via one’s cell phone.” Anecdotally, it seems that the phenomenon is growing in frequency and prevalence, and has garnered a significant amount of attention in the last month due to the publicizing of Jesse Logan’s suicide in July 2008. In that tragic situation, the 18-year-old girl took her life after an ex-boyfriend circulated nude pictures of her to a large number of their high school peers. What is interesting is that Jessie contacted the media after the incident about the harassment, but nothing substantive was done in response by any authority figures. Two months later, she committed suicide after suffering scholastically and relationally on account of the humiliation and abuse she received from classmates. Eight months later, we are seeing more cases of law enforcement and district attorneys coming down hard (with child pornography convictions) on youth or young adult males who circulate pictures of their underage girlfriends (or ex-girlfriends), and some would argue these convictions are overkill, outside of the original intentions of legislators who formulated the laws, and a double standard that unfairly punishes minors for what adults sometimes do with impunity. Others believe that such strict interpretation of the law (where it is a felony to take, send or keep any sexually-explicit image of a minor) is necessary in order to prevent tragedies like the Jesse Logan case.

I talked to a school administrator today who underscored how big of an issue this was in their district, gave some suggestions as to what could be done - and when schools could step in and confiscate and search cell phones of students for evidence. We believe schools (and parents) should at this point emphatically stress to youth that sending, receiving, or storing sexually-suggestive pictures on their phones is extremely risky and could lead to criminal prosecution. They should also underscore the importance of never taking and sending these types of pictures of themselves to anyone - even those they trust - because of the ease with which they can be forwarded or shared with others (friends, acquaintances, and strangers). Finally, educators should remind youth that they will work closely with law enforcement should this behavior occur among the student body. Teens must realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that the act is not worth the pain, humiliation, and penalties that will likely result.

With regard to hard empirical data, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and Cosmogirl.com recently conducted a survey of over 1200 youth which found that 22% of girls and 18% of boys have electronically sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves. We are currently studying the phenomenon and will share our findings as soon as possible.

Additionally, I urge all parents to look at the cell phone/texting/sexting/electronics guides at
MediaWise and Common Sense Media

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

Well not really, but it *is* cold and I did see rumors of snow or sleet in the forecast and for a moment I forgot we were on the Gulf Coast! But judging from the stress of the students who have been in my office this week, we must be getting close to finals time!

I had a wonderful talk with the Lower School Parent Alliance Members and I am looking forward to their suggestion of not only having a School Counseling Blog, but also a page forthcoming on Edline. Taylor Strunk and I are working on the technical details to get it launched as soon as possible.

Since I know many of you are currently trying to finish/start/avoid holiday shopping, I wanted to pass on some great advice from Common Sense Media:

End the Battle Over Holiday Wish Lists

Kids often give their parents major grief for crossing "cool" games off of holiday wish lists. In kid logic, games are "cool" when they have awesome graphics and gameplay, envelope-pushing storylines, and all manners of weaponry. And they aren't wrong. The games they want typically are well constructed, thoughtful, and exciting. But they're often inappropriate for the teens who hunger for them.

A lot of this season's most talked-about games include ones with excessive violence, negative role models, extreme gore, sociopathic behavior, and other things that have been proven to have a negative effect on kids.

So how do you give kids what they want without giving them what you don't want? Know your options. Follow our tips on a choosing great video games, check out our 2009 video game gift guide, and offer alternatives that don't veer into unhealthy territory.

We've compiled a list of this season's hottest games, plus 10 you can say yes to. In choosing our alternatives, we stuck with T-rated titles geared for ages 12-15, and we matched gaming systems -- so if you nix an M-rated PS3 game, you can replace it with a similar T-rated PS3 game.

10 Cool Games That Are Uncool for Kids (and 10 Alternatives)

Assassin's Creed II Authentically recreated Renaissance cities, near photo-realistic action, and historical accuracy make this a great game for mature players. But playing as an assassin who relies on an arsenal of weapons makes the violence excessive.
Alternative: Mirror's Edge

Borderlands This first-person shooter earned critical acclaim for its innovative use of weaponry, comic-book-like world, and online play. But the game (which has a cover that shows a character shooting himself in the head) has strong language, human enemies used as target practice, mature humor, and lots of blood and gore.
Alternative: Infamous

Brutal Legend Cartoon-like in its graphics and delivery, this fantasy action game nonetheless features plenty of violence, including the ability to hack and slash demonic armies with your double-sided axe.
Alternative: Ghostbusters: The Video Game

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 An immersive first-person perspective ups the realism of this shooter, which contains a controversial (but optional) level where you go undercover as an enemy terrorist.
Alternative: Battlefield: Bad Company

Dead Space: Extraction This atmospheric, horror-filled tale offers players a unique cooperative play option, but its use of violence -- like blood spurting out of victims' bodies, human carcasses littering the floor, blood-stained walls and floors, and copious screams of torture -- put it over the top.
Alternative: Deadly Creatures

Dragon Age: Origins This is a masterly crafted but combat-heavy game featuring decapitations and swords plunged deeply into monsters' chests.
Alternative: Braid

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony Frequent and ruthless violence, gratuitous sex, lawlessness, drinking, drugs -- this isn't a game for kids. But the fully interactive open world offers an immersive diversion for hardcore gamers.
Alternative: Batman: Arkham Asylum

Demon's Souls It's not just the copious amounts of blood and the smaller enemies who fall like rag dolls at your feet -- this game also has a depressing vibe. Because you constantly die, it can break the spirit of even the most seasoned gamer, but hardcore players relish this kind of challenge.
Alternative: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Left 4 Dead 2 Teamwork is an essential component of this super-gory shooter, but violence -- players are meant to gawk at and appreciate the extreme levels of gore -- plays a much greater role.
Alternative: Overlord II

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars Don't let the cartoon-like look and DS platform fool you. While this game's fully realized world and challenging missions are fun for adults, players can use the services of prostitutes, run over pedestrians, and kill police officers.
Alternative: C.O.P.: The Recruit

Video Game Editor Jinny Gudmunsen contributed to this article.

Have a great weekend full of holiday cheer, and keep warm!

To Be Giving Thanks

It certainly has been a year of anxiety and concern all over the area, causing a definite increase in the amount of children and parents I have assisted this school year. But I urge all of us to take a moment to step off the chaos treadmill and really consider what this up coming break is all about!

Thankfulness comes from a feeling of wholeness, that nothing is missing, that there is no one you need to retaliate against. In fact, thankfulness often crosses over into wanting to show gratitude by giving to others. Thankfulness cannot exist at the same time as anger or other negative emotions, but it is also an emotion that requires you to push the "pause" button on life.

Gratitude is an emotion expressing appreciation for what one has—as opposed to, say, a consumer-oriented emphasis on what one wants or needs—and is currently receiving a great deal of attention as a facet of positive psychology. Gratitude is what gets poured into the glass to make it half full. Studies show that gratitude not only can be deliberately cultivated but can increase levels of well-being and happiness among those who do cultivate it. In addition, grateful thinking—and especially expression of it to others—is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy.

If you are struggling with either, Dr. Barton Goldsmith from Psychology Today has made a cheat sheet on 10 things to be Thankful for:

1. Be thankful for growing older. Not everyone gets this opportunity. Aging with health and grace is a rare and beautiful gift.
2. Be thankful that you can read these words. It is a very sad thing that many people do not have the ability to read.
3. If you have to wait in line at the supermarket for your Thanksgiving dinner, be thankful that you can afford what you want to eat and have a convenient place to buy it. We are all aware of the many people waiting in line to have a meal at the local homeless shelter.
4. Be thankful for the ability to pay your bills, even if it means that you have to give up some things that you want. Remember that having basic needs met is a luxury for many people.
5. If you have to get up before dawn to get to work, be thankful that you get to see another sunrise and have a job to go to. Think about what it would be like if you slept everyday until noon and spent the rest of your waking hours wondering what to do with your life.
6. When you're stuck in traffic, be thankful you have a car to get where you need to go and money to buy gas. Standing in the rain while waiting for a bus is, at the very least, uncomfortable.
7. When the kids are screaming at each other, be thankful that you have children to love and who love you, and remember that at least some of the time, they do get along. There will always be bumps in the road, but they are usually followed by easier times.
8. When your mate is acting grumpy or giving you a hard time, be thankful for having love in your life and someone to grow old with. A life partner is something that less than half the population has. Having your partner is a blessing that needs to be counted several times.
9. When your parents are telling you how to run your life, be thankful that you still have them around. If they are no longer with you, take a moment to be thankful for the time you had with them.
10. When you sit down with your loved ones for your Thanksgiving dinner, be thankful for everyone and everything that makes it possible. Look your family and friends in the eye and express to them your gratitude for sharing this wonderful time together.